Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Child of Domestic Violence

This is a very difficult post to write and it makes me sad that I feel I must...

Someone needs to speak the truth. Because this sickness has struck again and another small child lay dead. I wrote about the child the other day. Now I know what happened. There is a sickness that happens behind closed doors of what seems like everyday, happy, healthy homes. This sickness is truly evil and it is called Domestic Violence.


The children of these homes live in suffering and their victim parents live in total fear. Fear for their safety, fear for their sanity, fear for their lives and the lives of their children.

The children of the homes of domestic violence go to school and see friends. They try to forget.

I know. I witnessed it only two or three times when I was a child. But it was ugly and quite frightening when I did. I thought he was going to kill my mother once. I am ashamed to admit that one time, when I was a 5th or 6th grader, my brothers took up baseball bats and threatened him. We said, "We don't want to do this, but if you hit mom, we will hit you back." 

Thank god, he calmed down and backed down.

I never witnessed domestic violence from my father ever again.

I am even more ashamed to admit that, in my first marriage, I repeated the evil. When I was having an affair with another woman, I was so ashamed of myself and so frustrated with my life, and so confused, that I committed domestic violence against my then beautiful wife. This went on for a year or two. I was completely mad, sick and out of my mind.

She didn't deserve that from me. I went blind and hit her. From then on, I committed domestic violence, on and off, of the sometimes physical, but mostly the psychological kind. She became sick and depressed. I pushed her away. She ran to someone else.

We wound up getting a divorce... to my regret.

I went to seek psychological help, for the divorce and many other things. My life was a mess of my own making. With help, I never committed domestic violence ever again. That was nearly two decades ago. It's too bad that, after the cows have already left the barn, we often decide then, when it is already too late, to do something about the broken door.

Please, dear God, forgive me for what I did and help me to be a better person. Please, my daughters, forgive me for the unhappy childhood I gave you. 

Oh, how many other children must suffer for this domestic violence? Why does this domestic violence rear its ugly head and ruin the lives and childhoods of so many seemingly happy and normal children?

If the children survive, in many cases, they grow up to repeat the errors of the parents and the vicious circle of domestic violence continues.

Some children, though, do not survive. 

In Japan, some mothers are pushed to the limits so far that they take their lives and the lives of their children. Of course, the monsters living inside of those committing domestic violence can never imagine that the wives would ever conceive of double suicide, but they can.... And they do.   

Domestic violence. It happens way too often. Husbands beat their wives physically or mentally. They push these women to the limit of their wits.

Then then women break. They come to where they can't take it anymore.

In Japanese society, there's nowhere for these women to turn.

They confide in their closest friends, but that's all. This domestic violence is a shameful thing in Japanese society. But the friends all talk in hushed tones....

When it gets too bad, then the talk turns to divorce... The laws have recently changed... Wives no longer have the trump card for child custody. Nightly, they fear for their lives and the lives of their children.

The husband is the breadwinner. The wife goes into depression. She seeks professional help. The husband, the cause of this malady, whistles along on his merry way acting as if there's nothing the matter. Then, at court, the husband can tout his wife as having "mental problems."

The only people who know the truth are the husband (if he realizes the extent of his evil and his illness), the wife (and a few very close friends) and the children.

Sure, the wife has mental problems. Wouldn't you? Who wouldn't have mental problems if their partner abused them both physically and mentally over and over on and on for an extended period of time?

The abuse continues... It's occurrence is unpredictable... Does he do it because he having and affair? Or is it stress? Or is it a hatred of himself? Or just because he is mentally sick and abusive? Who knows?

The wife has nowhere to turn.

She loses her mind. Sick, is she. There's no doubt.

So sick that, one night, she goes so crazy that she kills her child. She then attempts suicide... She succeeds with the child, fails with herself.

The husband then later proclaims to the world that he "doesn't blame her for this tragic case, she is mentally sick.... Depressed..."

Sure she is sick... Mr. Husband... How much did you help her to become that way?

This poor lovely child, with their entire future ahead of them, dies because of what she did and the result of the way you treated her for so many years. You can act like you were the good husband and didn't harm anyone....

But there are many of us who do know the truth. She told us. 

When I see you, you'll be able to read it in my eyes, if you have the courage to look.... And the eyes of the others she confided in.

In this case, the child dies. The circle of domestic violence is broken. The child will not grow up seeking help for the illness his father caused nor will he abuse his wife. 

He is dead. The child of domestic violence. 

If this post hits too close to home, please seek help.


Marc Sheffner said...

"I am ashamed to admit that one time, when I was a 5th or 6th grader, my brothers took up baseball bats and threatened him. We said, "We don't want to do this, but if you hit mom, we will hit you back."
Nothing to be ashamed of, I think. If the men won't defend their women, who will? Kudos to your brothers. Sad that it had to come to this, of course.

Andrew Joseph said...

Hey Mike... great blog. I echo what Marc has said above. Brave of the kids to stand up to their dad. That takes guts... and while not everyone has enough, it's nice to know there are others who are willing to help. It's a pity that this topic is rarely talked about. It's a pity we need even have to talk about it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all that,... but at the same time, sometimes, I think it's not as bad as People make it out to be.

After all, life is just a shadow of absolute reality.

... does a cat get sent to Hell for toying with a mouse?

... does a young girl get a bad mark for toying with the emotions and affections of a young boy?

All of it seems to be not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

How is this any different?

Whatever the case, one thing that's not popularly clear, children should be able to hit the road at any age to escape such situations, ala Huck Finn, imho.
If you're not familiar with the story you might not know where I'm coming from.
Emancipation is what makes spanking, ok,... for many People, and onward from that.

And, how much does modern society play a role? How prevalent was this type of stuff in days before TV? I'm reminded of those who say we'd be better off with monarchies instead of parliaments and congresses. At least the monarchs didn't often squander their resources at the drop of a hat on ill advised wars,... perhaps families mimic their goberments?

Idk, this whole post made me feel like some of my problems were insignificant... like having dreams about flying crashing airplanes (after years of not dreaming such) after reading a certain Person's blog about flying.

Is it true, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger?

Does society - the values of friends who surround you - trap People and herd them down certain pathways? ... It takes a strong personality to break with popular convention.

Is there something wrong with "popular convention"?

Don't be mistaken and think I don't feel for the People described in this blog post, I do... however... life isn't fair, isn't easy, has ups and downs... and, I wonder if the tribal mindset has been broken by the Anglo-Power Elite for a reason. Going back to that whole, How prevalent was this type of stuff in days before TV? Before horse carts? Huck Finn simply left, why don't so many others?

The shame of losing face with ones peers has become greater than the shame of disobeying God?

Idk, just some late night thoughts, don't shoot me.

- clark

Andy "In Japan" said...

Oh my god, Mike, that poor, innocent child. The horror. I'm crying and saying a prayer for the child.

And you. You too. It's certainly brave, extraordinarily brave and commendable that you tell the truth, that you admit what you did.

Have you apologized? To your ex-wife and children who you victimized, even if they just saw or heard it. That's all I can think of, since I admire you, is that I hope you've at least tried your best to clean up the mess.

mikeintokyorogers said...

Dear Andy,
Yes. I've apologized so many times... I have tried to make amends. Even though they say that they forgave me long ago... It is hard to ever forgive oneself...

Andy "In Japan" said...

Mike san,
I'm glad they accepted your apology; that must have helped you get over what happened. Yeah, it's always hardest to forgive yourself. Many of us struggle with that one.

For what it's worth, I think you are awesome. It's rare amongst mankind that anyone would be able to acknowledge that they did something like this. Most are in denial, which just continues the sickness.

You have been honest with yourself, made amends as best as you could, and are a different person for it. That's remarkable and something to be proud of.

Kurt Hinz jr said...

Nice, Mike. It's good to read people can and do change. Get rid of the regrets.

Anonymous said...

I don't think this sort of public blog is a good idea...just imagine the further pain it would cause the other children in the family if they read this...think of them!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous writes; "I don't think this is a good idea." Really? So your idea is that people should continue to ignore this problem and let it go unchecked. Domestic violence is a serious problem in Japan and so is suicide. This child is dead and you think it is best to go on ignoring the problem. You know what they say, "If you are not a par of the solution then you are a part of the problem." Or, perhaps, your guilt feelings show?


mikeintokyorogers said...

Two posts above someone named Anonymous writes, "I don't think this sort of public blog is a good idea...just imagine the further pain it would cause the other children in the family if they read this...think of them!"

Where, pray tell, do I mention anything about other children or make any reference to any time frame or location of this matter?

Since your comment alludes to some insider information I ask you why you kept silent all this time and didn't speak up when you could have and possibly help to prevent the incident that you refer to and save a child's life? (an incident, by the way, that is in no way shape or form, related to my story)

Care to respond? Or is silence the best way?

Oyako Shinju.

mikeintokyorogers said...

PS: I don't know what family you are talking about, but, if there are other kids, I think you'd better alert someone.... Can you prevent their untimely demise or will you wait until it's too late for them too?

Anonymous said...

According to Wikipedia, Japan averages one suicide every 15 minutes (using WHO guidlelines, it's even higher)... Yeah. Let's just ignore this and hope it gets better. Think of the children!

Anonymous said...

Mike, This person who wished that you remain silent because of the other children is living in a complete existence of a dream world and total denial. As a child I witnessed domestic violence all my life. To think that the kids who lived under the roof of a house with DV don't know about it, is just completely and totally bizarre. We all knew. We didn't fully comprehend until we were in college or married adults, and when we did find out, all those years of hate for our father came to the fore. This lady is delusional. The kids already know. Your writing won't matter. They will grow to hate their father as we all did. I haven't spoken to him in 25 years. He can go to hell for what he did.