I Am a Kiwi Impostor... And Loving it!

This last Saturday I volunteered to work at the New Zealand booth selling fantastically delicious NZ Lamb Chops for all the wonderful guests who came to visit the Seisen International Festival here in Tokyo. Thanks to my Kiwi friends and all the great and wonderful guests who supported our event. You all are tops!

Me on the front left (impostor Kiwi uniform) Bangladeshi cap Oct. 6, 2012

You might be wondering why I volunteered to work for the Kiwi booth and not the USA booth... Well, I think it is because the USA folks have all disowned me. It's not that I don't try to get along with them, you see... It's just that I despise the US empire and all that it stands for and think the entire American body politick is a farce and corrupted beyond redemption...

Try telling that to a Republican or Democrat!!!!.... If you do, most Americans think you are a nutcase or something.

There was a time though, when the Americans asked me to hang around with them. But that was before the 2008 election. One night some of the dads from my son's school had a get-together and they invited me. Well, they started getting drunk and arguing politics (sheesh!) The dads split into two groups; one for Obama and the other for the Republican, McCain. 

Through the entire conversation, I basically kept my mouth shut and drank. Finally they asked me what I thought. I said to them all, 

"I'm at least 10 years older than all you guys. Do you all have such short memories? We go through this nonsense every 4 to 8 years and nothing changes. There is no difference between a Democrat and a Republican."

They seemed shocked. Now remember this was in 2008 so not that many people had heard of Libertarianism or Ron Paul. Anyway, these dads didn't know how to react. One said to me in typical American fashion, 

"But who are you going to vote for?"

"Jeez! What did I just say?" I thought to myself. So I figured I'd say something outrageous and blow their minds. I said,

"I'd vote for McCain any day! I can imagine that as he's standing there, one hand on the bible, taking the oath of office that he's so old he'd have a massive stroke and cerebral hemorrhage. Blood would come spurting out of his eyes, mouth and ears like some B-Grade Splatter movie. He'd keel over and die right there on the spot on international TV for the entire world to see! There's be all sorts of rumors of conspiracy like the Kennedy assassination and it would be talked about for decades! 

Wow! Wouldn't that be GREAT entertainment?

It would be a disaster for the people too! The mass media would constantly remind us - over and over - how McCain was sooooo loved by the American electorate! And then, after that, we'd have that wonderfully brilliant woman.... Er, what's her name? Sarah Palin? Yeah, that's her! She'd step in as president and then, the best result of all: total and complete political deadlock! The government would come to a grinding halt. Services would stop and the US government would have to face bankruptcy.....There's be rumors of a military coup...

Now that would be the best result possible as, if they are in deadlock and bankruptcy, they are not passing any new laws, new taxes or invading other countries.... Perfect!"

With that I smirked and drank more beer.

The table was stone silence. My American friends all just stared at me.... Speechless.... Not a one of them thought, for even a split second, that I was teasing them.... neither have they, even once, invited me again to go drinking with them! Chuckle!

But, hey! That's another story for another day! Today I want to tell you about being a Kiwi impostor.

I arrived at the festival early at 7:30 am (actually not early for me) and helped set up. Then I helped sliced ribs. After that, my assignment was to be a server (handing out orders) as I am good at sales and have a loud voice.

I put on my All-Blacks T-Shirt and NZ Meat apron. I also put on a NZ head cap... So, perhaps I am not a Kiwi, I was an honorary "Kiwi for a Day!"

It felt great too!

Anyhow, after several hours of serving hundreds and hundreds of ribs (my lower back began to hurt) I was standing there shouting in my best Kiwi accent, "Lamb Chops! Deeeeeeeelicious NZ Lamb Chops!" When this foreigner (I'd say he was about 35 or so) walked right up to me, stood just inches from my face and stared at me right in the eyes. He put his finger up and said to me in a challenging tone,

"Well? Do you think you'll be lucky tonight?"

Wow! Was this guy asking me about a date? I didn't have a date. I also didn't have a clue as to what the heck this guy was talking about. He seemed a tad bit crazy. Maybe he'd been drinking? I wondered if we had met before. I knew I had to humor him. I nervously said,

"Ha! Ha! Do I know you?"

"No!" He protested! "Tonight! You heard me. Are you going to be lucky or not?" His voice lowered and he growled. Cold sweat rolled from my brow. This guy was serious.... The only problem was I didn't know what he was so serious about.... 

I chuckled, "Lucky?... Lucky about what?"

"The game!" He impatiently replied.

"Game!? What game?" I thought... Now I was even more confused. I was wondering if he was talking about Obama and Romney?.... Or was this guy sent from the American booth to harass me? Or maybe he was talking about some baseball game? After all, the day's date was October 6th and doesn't the World Series start about right then? I said to him,

"Oh? Is the World Series tonight?"

"What!?" He nearly screamed. He looked like he thought I was the dumbest person on earth and said, "No! The Springboks game!" 

"Reeboks?" I replied, "Tennis Shoes?"

"No!" He grimaced. Right there the guy just about jumped out of his skin. "The Rugby game between the South African Springboks and the All-Blacks!" He pleaded.

"Oh? Are they playing tonight?" I asked...

With that, the guy threw his hands in the air with exasperation. He mumbled something about Kiwi's being so dense, or something like that, and stormed off in disgust. 

He was gone. Thank god. The nuttiest person at the entire festival and he has to come and pick on me!... 

Later on, I rationalized that he probably wanted to bet on the game with me. He was probably from South Africa. He did have an accent! But what the heck do I know? I can't tell a Kiwi accent from a Brit from an Aussie from a Scotsman!.... And why should I? 

I'm from Southern California!

The Kiwi Booth at St. Mary's Carnival, May 2010

So now, there you have it folks. 

I'd find out later that the South African Rugby team's name is not "Reeboks" (that's the name of a famous sports shoes maker) but is actually the "Springboks" (So that's what confused me). "Springboks," the name, has it's origins in... Well... Has it's origins in...Er, uh... Oh heck, I don't know where they got a silly name like that.... and I don't really care!

So the moral of the story is that:

Right now there's some South African in Tokyo guy pissed off because;

One, he met a "Kiwi" at the festival on Saturday who didn't have a clue and didn't care a toss about Rugby. And, Two, the team he likes, the Springboks lost to the Kiwi team...

Oh, it must be a b*tch to be from South Africa and a fan of the Reeboks, Springboks, whatever....

But, you see, I did him a favor. Had I been a real Kiwi, I might have taken that bet and he'd be out of ¥10,000 (about $120 USD) or more!.... But, alas, I am not a Kiwi... So he got lucky. I am unlucky... For, you see.... 

I am a Kiwi imposter!

....And loving it!... Go All-Blacks!...... In your next game, hit a home run or a Grand Slam, or something like that! Woo-hoo!  


NOTE: Maybe if I were a real Kiwi, I'd care about pro sports like the All-Blacks.... But I doubt it. In the USA we have tons of pro sports and if you want to know what I think about that, click here. (http://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.jp/2011/02/sumo-is-fixed-like-all-other.html)