Saturday, October 19, 2013

Destroy All Japanese Mascots - But I Wouldn't Kick Her Out of My Futon for Eating French Fries


Japan loves cute shit. It's everywhere here. I can't stand it. I think it might have been Hello Kitty who really broke this cute shit out into the open... (But that's just my personal opinion and obsessive dislike and life-long vendetta against everything and all things Hello Kitty...) 

This shitty mascot crap just drives a man to drinking...

Of course everyone has heard by now about how Fukushima Industries made their new mascot and actually made a great one. It's named "Fukuppy." Seriously. You can't make this stuff up... Er, I mean, you can't make this stuff, "uppy."


"I'm Fukuppy. Nice to meet you. I think I'm kind with a strong sense of justice but people say I'm a little bit scatterbrained." The company also says the name comes from Fukushima Industries and Happy. 
Fukushima + Happy = Fukuppy! Perfect!

I hate the character. Love the name, though... It's a perfect mix of tortured Japanese use of English and a stupid character with a shit-eating grin... Like they all have.

Fukuppy, indeed.

Like I said, Japan has always had these stupid-assed cute characters. This country drowns in cute. Here's some photos so that you guys get the idea of what kind of dumb crap passes as promotion in this country... As you can see, they all have a similar trait: weird-assed looking and supposedly cute as hell (as if some kid would find Fukuppy cute! Yeah, about as cute as drinking a canister full of soft drink laced with cesium 124 and cyanide....) 



Who is this clown? I don't know. What difference does it make? A mascot for something or another...I think it's supposed to be a baby dear... Maybe a fishing company that clubs baby seals to death... Or maybe a Bio-tech company that performs bizarre animal reconstruction experiments like this on this poor GMO-fed rabbit-dear cross breed who has no real mother.


I think this one must be the mascot for some company that's into produce, like selling tangerines or something like that. I figure it's a dumb dog that likes oranges... Go figure...


Let me guess... The sun, the clouds, music... A hydro-electric power company that dumps particularly malignant cancerous industrial waste into the rivers and drinking water!... Having a cute mascot makes that all OK!


I know this one. It's the mascot for the police. This makes it cute when the fucking police hide behind trees and give you traffic tickets because you didn't come to a COMPLETE STOP at that stop sign even though there wasn't another car or pedestrian around for miles! Assholes!... I know that if you or I ran around without any pants on they'd throw our asses in jail... A cop mascot running around bare-assed naked?... Cute! 

Move along, nothing to see here, folks....


Oh, how cute! Some part-timer in a monkey suit is acting like they are happy because some idiots actually spent money on a concrete statue of themselves... Probably the ONLY tourist who'd want their photo taken along that eye-sore statue. FAIL!


Woah! Wow! I love this mascot! I wouldn't kick her out of my futon for eating beef in a sesame bun! For some reason, I think I just got a Big Mac!

----

....Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... Dumb Japanese mascots...

The other day, the clowns who run the local government decided they'd waste tax money on making our own local mascot to stop people from speeding around on the neighborhood streets. Einsteins actually thought they'd get more promotion for this campaign by asking the locals in my neighborhood for submissions to the contest. Only people who live in the immediate two neighborhoods got to participate in this contest. 

Well, I got a submission form in my mailbox too. At first, it irritated me. But then my wife talked me into making a submission. She told me that they said they'd pick the 3 best submissions then have a contest at the local department store and the visitors could all vote for their favorite mascot... She mentioned that, since I have a radio show, with a bunch of twisted fans who like to listen to punk rock and loud music in the mornings, that if I got into the final three, I could say it on the radio and get lots of fans to come down and stuff the ballot boxes...

My devil horns started to appear out of the sides of my head...

So here is my submission to stop people from speeding down the local neighborhood streets. Her name is "Lorrie" (as in the British vernacular for "truck")... Lorrie had the misfortune of walking down one of the neighborhood streets when some asshole smoking Hi-Lite cigarettes and a Kamikaze towel wrapped around his forehead - who thinks a school zone is actually a freeway entrance - ran over poor Lorrie in a two-ton truck and squished her like a grape.

Lorrie is cuddly brown with X's for eyes and a cute bunch of tire tracks along her back. Her cute red tongue sticking out could be turned into a key chain or something (always gotta think about merchandising, right?)

Seriously, I did submit this to the contest organizers... Jerks, they didn't even have the courtesy to send me a "thank you" note.

I think that Lorrie more clearly represents the dangers of driving stupid than some cute assed mascot like Fukuppy (But Fukuppy's name is clearly a winner!)

Of course, those assholes running the contest won't choose dear Lorrie... I guess black humor doesn't get it here in Japan.... But, really, if you saw a sign with my mascot on it, you'd know EXACTLY what that meant, right?

I figure that, by some act of god, if I do win, Lorrie can get better and we'll put that cute McDonald's girl inside the mascot suit... The tire tracks along her back will be probably most indicative of the life of the girl inside: laid all over the country as she's run over.

Ah, but the contest organizers will fuck it up and pick some dumb-assed character like that naked flasher police mascot pervert.   

I need a drink... 

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

You've Got to be kidding, Fukuppy? No way.

It's very hard to believe.

I liked your post a lot, until this part:

"Lorrie had the misfortune of walking down one of the neighborhood streets when some asshole smoking Hi-Lite cigarettes and a Kamikaze towel wrapped around his forehead - who thinks a school zone is actually a freeway entrance - ran over poor Lorrie in a two-ton truck and squished her like a grape."

Seems like you're saying those lame assed no-speeding in school zones memes is a good idea?

I thought it was just a unitedstate trait?

The whole idea seems grossly distorted.

If they wanted to promote safety in a school zone (or a residential zone) they'd put up barricades between the street and the cars, maybe add a few pedestrian overpasses (?) (they think those are ugly here, so they won't build them) and instead they focus on speed, as if a pedal can't hit the metal at any time? ...And children are stupid about fast cars? I never was. I guess i was an exception?

The whole idea of having slow speed zones in school zones really is stupid. It's the roads that needs improving.

...But don't ask me, I've had a drink. And it doesn't help.

- IndividualAudienceMember

Anonymous said...

Crud.

I wrote out a response and both Blogger and Google said, "Whoops" as if it mattered. Poof went my comment.
That's what I get for not copying before I hit the 'Publish Your Comment" button.

Anyway, you've Got to be kidding about Fukuppy.

And, your entry sucked, imho. Seemed like it was a support of the 'school zone control' that has gone worldwide.

It's not the speed, it's the design of the roads. ...Besides (not to make light of the subject) what child doesn't know to avoid the cars? Looking back on my own childhood, it's hard to imagine anyone Not knowing. And not being nimble enough.

I guess the exception is: stupid driver meets stupid child?

Looking back on my own youth, every person I knew then would probably laugh at the child who got run over, as if they were stupid.
I think perhaps most adults have forgotten that perspective?
It's a Peter Pan effect?
...Or a gooberment created and multiplied fear?

- Big jump out of the subject -

[Not possible, maybe?]

Anyway, I've had a drink, and it doesn't help.

- IndividualAudienceMember

Anonymous said...

”Seems like you're saying those lame assed no-speeding in school zones memes is a good idea?”... I didn't get that impression at all. Seems like some people can't read... This person has obviously never been to Japan (or probably anywhere outside their own berg, that's for sure...)
- Don C.

Anonymous said...

"Seems like" is a key phrase, Don C. I see that you used it too.

I wonder why you think I've never been outside my 'berg'?
(And why are you so sure?)

Oh wait, I've never lived in one,... so how could I get outside one?

I wonder why you think it's obvious I've never been to Japan?

Did I post a photo of me wearing a t-shirt with 'I've never been to japan' written on the front?

- IndividualAudienceMember

mike in tokyo rogers said...

Guys!
Let's not get into a huff over a humor article. IAM: I was just using the "School Zone" comment as a "visual aid." In Japan, the roads are so narrow that you'd be amazed at streets that one would be sure are "One Way Only" but are actually two-lane traffic... Also, the School Zone markings are just to alert people to schools. They don't (as far as I know) lower the speed limit around them...
And Don C. Thanks, but I think IAM is just making commentary. I believe he thinks the same as you and I about personal responsibility... Heck, he wouldn't offer comment so much at this blog if he didn't.... Guys, it's the weekend... Have a beer! Cheers!

mike in tokyo rogers said...

Oh, and IAM, that Fukuppy is real!

Anonymous said...

It's cool.
I wasn't bent out of shape or anything. I probably came across as too harsh or something?
Regretfully, I tend to come across that way in text. Especially after a glass of wine.

And yes, I am familiar with those crazy assed narrow roads. But I kind of liked them.

Anyway...

Let’s Enforce The Law

http://ericpetersautos.com/2013/02/11/lets-enforce-the-law/

The speed limits in the unitedstate around schools really irk me. They are a false perception of safety, at the expense of liberty.
And it's getting beyond silly.

They have digital signs at all the schools in my city that show your speed, red and blue lights flash if you exceed the speed limit. At the end of the 'school zone' there's a sign informing you about just that: 'End of School Zone.' As if you've just left an area where escaped prisoners might be attempting to hitch a ride to freedom, or you just left a road construction zone?
Chain gangs abound?

It seems like every Saturday I'm behind some clover that has to go 25 m.p.h. even though the speed limit is only valid from Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. otherwise the speed limit is 35 m.p.h., but everyone goes 45 m.p.h..

When I read the article, it seemed that perhaps the dis-ease was spreading?

I had to say something.

"...Run! It's The Blob!"

Or in Japan, rather than The Blob, maybe it's, the giant Michelin marsh-mellow man?

- IndividualAudienceMember

Brian Gill said...

Mike, love your observations. Hope you are making our thru all that rain.

mike in tokyo rogers said...

Eric Peters is on my daily must-read list! Highly recommended!

Andy "In Japan" said...

Fukuppy is hysterical! Mike san, do you know if they are making any Fukuppy stuffed animals or stickers or other paraphernalia available to the general public?

So much for boneless chicken at Japan McDonalds. Last time I looked, I got a bone.

Anonymous said...

I stopped at a Toyota dealership here in the unitedstate the other day. In the service department they have giant posters on all the walls showing their cars, and in the background of the posters are huge silly looking Jumobo-trons/mascots whatever you call them, a lot like the images in this blog post.

It was weird.

I stay away from the showroom floor, but I'm guessing they were there too.

I guess I just never expected to see anything like that here. Dunno why, though.

- IndividualAudienceMember

Clover said...

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clover
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