Thursday, April 23, 2015

Vote! Hot Sexy Babes and Hot Picks In the Japanese Local Erections!

"I'm lucky. You're lucky. We're all lucky!" - Magenta (from the Rocky Horror Picture Show)

I live in Tokyo. It's peaceful here; the cops never bash in people's heads; the Japanese police haven't shot anyone in 3 or 4 years and there's basically no crime to speak of. And, if you are a foreigner, then you are probably the most dangerous person within a 500 meter radius of yourself.

So it's pretty safe, quiet, chilled out and and nice place to live. Tokyo rawks! 

Poster Board thingy by my house that shows all the folks running for "guvner" of the local area as well as other cogs in the political machine.

Every once in a while, though, the locals get restless and they hold some rituals. Some of these rituals are contests for the central government that resides in a giant underground cavern downtown (kind of like the Morlocks) and then there's the local rituals where you see people standing around the train stations talking about something or another into megaphones to people who all walk by and seem to pay no attention at all to their antics.

These ancient rituals, whose beginnings are dark and murky and unbeknownst to the average local, are kind of the same as when you foreigners in the west hold your modern versions of Rain Dance to open the heavens and bring prosperity and a bountiful harvest in the coming year. 

These "Pagan rituals" (hereinafter referred to as: "elections") are organized and ran by the local witch doctors so the local herded mammals feel empowered to vote some people - people of whom they will never meet, nor would they even wish to - to rule over them; so, when it comes to tax time, they feel like they can't complain; for it is these very special individuals (who the herded mammalia 'voted' for), who have the right to spend other people's money lining the pockets of their friends for some reason or another. 

How lucky we are to be able to vote in these facades of democracy that modern societies hold! No bread and circuses for us! No! No! 

Anyhow, there's some sort of election going on. Since one politician ain't much different from another, I thought I'd share my insights with you, dear reader, on whom you should vote for... I mean, if you could vote, but you can't. What I mean to say is that foreigners are not allowed to vote. But we can look at sexy babes, right? 

Hey! Didn't we have a revolution about this "Taxation without representation" crap? We did! Never mind. Either way, I can't really imagine bothering to hold a revolution demanding the right to vote when:

a) I don't vote anyway.
b) Voting is a waste of time.
c) "It matters not who casts the votes, but who counts the votes." - Joe Stalin

What I want to say is that I don't vote. But I do look at hot and sexy babes. And if I did vote, the following is who I would vote for. So, get your "pencils" out guys. 'Cause I'm about to give you the "Hot Picks" in this erection!

OK. Let's get the rules straight: All of these people are politicians which means they are lying sacks of dog doo-doo. That being a given, then, we know that voting for some sort of 'moral character' seems a dodgy proposition, if not laughable, at best. And since most of my picks are hot women, we want them with questionable moral fortitude! Also, since politics are all a scam and a farce, the only beneficial part to the entire political process for the drinking man is the entertainment value. This being true, then I say we vote for the best looking or most interesting looking people.

As the great Will Rogers once wrote: "Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians, and I like to watch both of 'em at play, either back home in their native state, or after they've been captured and sent to a zoo, or to Washington."

So now onto my recommendations on how you should vote! I only chose a few from the huge billboard because most of those people are olde pharttes and, like I said, "they's all 'bout the same."

Miss Fukuda (Miss Lucky Field). She wears the white jacket with the pink pink sides and is carrying an extra four pounds. She is also one of the older mares in today's race. But, what the hell, she's much easier to look at than the other guys who all seem to have evolved from male toads in the Pleistocene Period. Outside chance of surprising many. 8 to 1 odds. 2 1/2 votes.

Miss Sato is definitely a contender in this race. Get her all liquored up and I'll bet she could make most guys stand up and vote! Wow! Not bad! She's a hottie! 7 1/2 votes!

What's this? Some guy? You kidding me? Well, OK, Yamamoto gets a long shot 30 -1 chance. But he is in there because he is only one of two people in the race who have beards (well, some of these ladies might have beards too - haven't you ever heard of Photoshop?) I figure that since Yamamoto has a beard he must be kinda cool and likes Jazz Music. His minus points are because, for some reason, I suspect he might have been a hippie in his youth and wore flairs. 3 1/2 votes.

Ah? Hold the presses! Miss Hiuchi. She's still looks the same after all these years! My wife says she's been using the same photo for her posters for at least ten years or more. But, with the lights out, admit it, you'd still hit it! I still see her on these posters because I have no idea who wins or loses these elections, so I am assuming she is like a relief pitcher; you know, 8 wins and 6 losses with a 3.78 era. So what if she's much older than these photos show! I can still dream, can't I? Anyway, she's much easier on the eyes than 95% of the others, so she gets a nod and is currently at 12 - 1 odds.  7 votes.

What's this? Another stupid dude? Tell me it ain't so, Joe! But it is. Mr. Kuroki is here for two reasons: Not only does he have a lot of hair like our (suspected) former hippie, Mr. Yamamoto (above), but he's got a dammed human with him holding him up! Let me explain; everyone around here has a dumb dog. These dogs are treated in this area as the highest order of the animal kingdom. Humans second (back of the bus with you, stinkin' foreigner!) So, dogs in Setagaya are of a higher social strata. Dumb animals like humans, follow them around and wrap up their poop in plastic bags then take it home as souveniers (go figure!) So this is, I suspect, actually a trick poster. The dog is running for office, the hippie with the white beard is merely a handler and cleans up after him. That being the case, and this being Setagaya where dogs are of a higher social order than even the local landowners, then I give this dog a 3 - 1 chance of being elected. 8 3/4 votes.

...Folks, it is what it is. I didn't create society. I just live here.

Woah! This is it! Miss Shaku! Break out the baby oil! Hold the mayo!

♬Miss Shaku! Miss Shaku! ♬Miss Shaku! Oh, baby I love you!♬

Miss Shaku is hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!!!!!! 

Do I need to write more? Judge for yourself! Here's her qualifications:

1) I wouldn't kick Miss Shaku out of my futon for eating rice crackers in a million years! 
2) She is babe-licious! 
3) "If she were president of the United States, her name would be Babe-raham Lincoln!" - Garth

I'm in love with Miss Shaku! 

Can you tell that I dig everything about her platform? I'm voting for her to not only be my local representative, but mayor, queen and Dominatrix Sex Goddess of the entire nation of Nippon! 

Wow! She is the best! 

20 - 1 odds (because the people I like never win) but 10 out of 10 Stars!

Wow! Have you noticed how this room has gotten all hot and sweaty? Time to take a cold shower!


Well, that's it for this time folks. I've picked the best of the field for you and hope you make the right choice if you vote (or be smart and just stay home because if voting could change anything, it would be made illegal.)

Like I said, it doesn't matter who wins, because nothing changes. The only thing I really care about is if the new people fix the pothole in front of my house. Besides that, I want them to just leave me alone... 

Or to make the next election cycle posters in bathing suits.

Pothole in road by my house. Been slowly sinking for months... Different sections of the local government have all come out to see it; they all claim it is the duty of a different section to repair this. Talk about a run around!

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