Friday, August 31, 2012

Six O'Clock Hitler! Talking Dogs and Nazi Urinals!

WOAH! This "Six O'Clock Hitler" stuff is getting really heavy! To see the radio show homepage, click here

Anyway, this is a radio show "corner" that talks about the real, true stuff, that is quite bizarre about everyone's favorite dictator; Al Hitler.

We had two wild (but true) stories today!

Years of research by DR Jan Bondeson of Cardiff university has revealed the bizarre but true account of Hitler’s Nazi dog academy.
Even more bizarre are the reports of the school’s successes; dogs writing poetry, stating preferred political candidates and imitating human voices. When asked who Adolf Hitler was, one canine apparently answered ‘Mein Fuhrer’.
Regular dogs just point. Those German dogs asked questions!

Hitler ordered his army to investigate the possibility of using educated dogs in the field, enabling Nazi animal psychologists to create their ‘talking dog’ school. They were part of a tradition that believed dogs were nearly as intelligent as humans.
Hitler’s long term hopes were that dogs would be able to communicate with their SS commanders and free up guards in concentration camps by taking over their duties.

Dr Bondeson reveals the history of Hitler's hounds in his recent book "Amazing Dogs: A Cabinet of Canine Curiosities." He describes the findings as a "really remarkable and fascinating insight into a hitherto unknown facet of Nazi Germany". And also ****ing hilarious.
His book also includes chapters on acting dogs, travelling dogs, turnspit dogs (a dog bred to run on a wheel in order to turn meat...) holy dogs and exceptionally faithful dogs.
It's only May and I already know what I want for Christmas.

The next story is shocking in it's simplicity.
You know how men's urinals are always dirty because guys don't stand close enough and they pee on the floor? Well, this is a big problem and companies and government's spend hundreds of millions of dollars a year on toilet cleanup?   
So much money is spent that toilet manufacturers are always coming up with ideas to make guys stand closer so they don't pee on the floor. 
Like little red dots that get redder if you pee right on them?  
Rumor has it that the world's biggest toilet maker, after years of investment and research, have come up with a urinal that cuts down dribble by 98.7%! And the idea is so simple! It is a hitler urinal sticker to put in men's toilets that would make Hitler's face turn red if you peed directly on him. 

The plan had been on hold as the the words "Hitler and Toto" sound too much alike "Hitler and Tojo." 

But you got to admit it. Just seeing this makes you want to go pee and pee more often. If this doesn't make one stand closer, nothing will.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

One Time God Gave Me ¥400,000! (About $4,000!)

About 14 years ago or so, I was doing a very late night radio show and I would arrive home at about 2:30 ~ 3:00 am every night.

One night, when I got to my apartment, there was a bunch of trash on the street. I thought it must have been there from my oldest daughter (who was often making trouble with her wild friends) and was worried that the apartment attendant would complain so I began picking up the trash.

There was a lot of bags from McDonald's and empty drinks and french fries, hamburger wrappings.

Anyway, when I just about finished up cleaning, there was also an envelope on the street so I picked it up. When I did, I knew it felt different. I opened it and inside there was forty brand new ¥10,000 bills, in serial number order, inside of it. The envelope was plain and had no names or addresses or anything on it.

"Wow! I'm rich!" I thought.

While I was dreaming of all the bad things I could do with that money, I ran upstairs and told my wife Yuka, who was sound asleep that I had found a bunch of money. I asked her what I should do with it. She said, "I don't care. Do what you want!"

I started dreaming of drinking, gambling, prostitution... all those stupid things stupid guys do with their money. Then I went to sleep.

The next morning when I woke up, my wife and kids were already awake and my eldest daughter said, "Daddy! Give me ¥50,000!" I said, "Why?" She said, "Because you found that money!"

I then realized that the money might be a curse. I started thinking about it.

As a parent, you always teach your children to be honest and to do what's right. How could I say that and then keep the money? That would make me look like a hypocrite. And what about that money? What if it were alimony or child support payments for some poor mother with small children whose husband ran away? What if that money was needed by some handicapped or old person? No! I couldn't keep it.

I had to do what was right. I had to do what I told my children to always do. I had to be honest.

Later that day, I took the money to the police station and told them the story. They couldn't believe it. The envelope didn't have any writing on it at all. They said most people would just keep the money. But I told them about how I was worried that the money was intended for some poor mother with starving children or a handicapped or old person who really needs it.

They said, "You are an honest man!"

I said, "I'm not that honest... I thought about keeping the money at first."

Anyway, I gave the police the money and they told me that they would look for the owner and if someone didn't claim it, they'd let me know and I could keep the money.

I thought, "Sure! In America, you can bet that the police would surely "find" someone to take the money for you." I knew I'd never see the money again and I forgot about it....

Well, six months later, I came home and my wife was smiling brightly. She told me that a postcard had come from the police and that no one had claimed the money and to come to the police station and they'd give the money back to me."

"Wow! Japan is a wonderful country!" I thought.

When we went to get the money. The policeman handed it to me and then, of course, I immediately handed it all over to my wife.....

I felt good about myself. Not only had I done what's right, but I got to keep the money too! See? There is a god!

Later that night, I was going to work again and thinking about how lucky I am. As I was walking along, I saw this very old catholic sister carrying two cases of beer. I thought it was strange to see a catholic sister carrying beer. I wanted to take her picture. I stopped and told her that I would carry the beer for her. She was so happy.

So I took the cases of beer and carried them across the crosswalk and down the street toward a car where another sister was waiting.

Man! Those cases of beer were heavy and that old catholic sister looked like she was about 40 kilograms and 80-years old. "How in the heck did that old frail lady carry those beers?" I wondered.

When we finally got to the car, the two sisters were very grateful and invited me to their party at their church. I declined. I had to go to work and I couldn't imagine me at a party with a bunch of catholic sisters. I would be like Satan hanging around a kindergarten class of little children. No way.

I said goodbye to the sisters and turned back to walk back to the train station. 

By helping the sisters, I went out of my way for about 4 minutes. As I walked towards the station, there was an intersection with about thirty people waiting to cross the street. They were all about 20 meters in front of me when the light turned green and they all crossed. I walked behind them and when I was halfway across the crosswalk, I was shocked to find a ¥10,000 bill just laying in the crosswalk. Everyone had walked right over it and stepped on it and yet no one saw it!? I couldn't believe it. I picked it up.

If I hadn't helped the catholic sisters and gone out of my way, then I would have never seen that ¥10,000!


Not only had I gotten back the ¥400,000 yen earlier than day, then I did a kind deed for some of god's secretaries and was rewarded again by finding ¥10,000.

This is a true story and I have had a few experiences like this in my life.

It proves to me that: I am a lucky person and that there is a "god" or some sort of "grace"; and, of course, always doing what is right has its own rewards.

NOTE: What happened to the last ¥10,000 I asked my wife if I should take the last ¥10,000 I found to the police. She said, "No! Because it is not in a wrapper and is naked money. And if I go there and say that so soon, they might think that I am some insane foreigner who keeps trying to give away money or that I like talking to the police... So I kept it. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Six O'Clock Hitler???? WTF????!!!! 6時のヒトラー?

OK. So I do this nationally broadcast FM radio show called, "6 O'Clock Yatsura" which roughly translates into, "Those guys at 6 O'Clock."

I started a new corner on the show (in keeping with the title "6 O'Clock Yatsura") called "6 O'Clock Hitler." Because, as everyone knows the two keywords to always say on any radio show to increase ratings are: "Sex" and "Hitler."

... Get it? "6 O'Clock Ya-su-ra..." "6 O'Clock Hi-to-ra..." 

No? Ok, well you gotta speak Japanese to get the joke (they sound alike)...

Anyhow, here's today's stories:

A new book has revealed that during the Second World War British forces came up with the idea of sneaking estrogen - the female sex hormone - into Hitler’s food to make him less aggressive.

The book - written by Professor Brian Ford - claims that British spies came up with the idea as the war seemed to be heading towards a stalemate.

Chosen for its tasteless properties, it was hoped that the estrogen would slowly take effect - calming the Fuhrer and making him more like his secretary.

The book also outlines other genius Nazi-beating plots such as dropping glue on troops to make them stick to the ground and disguising bombs as tins of fruit.

Shit! Of course, you knew that already! Here's an even more bizarre Hitler story:
There are some weird houses around the world, but there is a house in England (of course) that looks exactly like Hitler! .Is this a picture of a Swansea house? Or is it a portrait of former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler? It's almost impossible to tell the difference!
That's what Charli Dickenson thought when she posted a picture of the property on Twitter, commenting 'I've found Hitler reincarnated'.
The snap was subsequently re-tweeted by comedian Jimmy Carr, who obviously agreed with the Fuhrer connection.

Do you know any houses that look like evil dictators? If so, please get in touch...

Thanks to Student Beans for finally educating our fricking dimwit university students on something important that they can use in life.

Monday, August 27, 2012

The Making of a "Geisha" in Photos

Several years ago my friend, Ken Nishikawa (you can see his Youtube channel here), and I shot a commercial for an anniversary for the Fiat 500cc.

This is the making of that commercial:

Here are some of the stills from that commercial... This is the process that most people never see: The making of a "Geisha." 

All photos by Ayumi Maeno. Thanks to Matsuchiyo and Koichi for the costume and dressing. (Who is Matsuchiyo? Watch this....) As I recall, the entire make up and dressing for the "Geisha" took about 4.5 hours.

This is like a religious experience..... Enjoy!

Raindance Film Festival: Confessions of a Sandwich Sign Man

I was hoping my parents never found out about this... But I can't live like this anymore; I can't live with hiding who I really am....