I Drank Coffee with Russian President Vladmir Putin - A True Story!

As some readers might know, I just came back from Sochi, Russia. I was there for the 2017 Sochi International Film Festival and Awards event. And what a fantastic event it was! The people were great! The movies were great! And the accommodations were fantastic!

I woke up with a hangover every single day.... Oh, the pain!

First off, Vlad's a nice guy and he even likes regular cats, not just man-eating tigers!

Everything was free! My airfare, hotel, food.... And drinks were free too!!!! I drank more vodka in six days in Sochi than I would ever drink in six lifetimes. 

I woke up sleeping on the sofa in the hotel lobby, with no recollection of how I got there... Twice! Two times! 

If I did that at home, my wife would have killed me.

Besides eating and drinking to excess every day and night, and watching cool movies, my main dream and mission was to drink vodka shots with Russian Federation president, Vladimir Putin. 

I can say "Mission Accomplished!" Well, sort of.... Read on!

These two ladies were serving the food and adult beverages everywhere I went... Oh, and yes, all Russian girls look like this.

My first few days at the festival I spent all my time learning how to say, "I want to meet Vladimir Putin" to everyone I came across. Most laughed at me. When I realized that meeting Vlad might be a tad bit difficult (Hey Steven Seagal met him, why can't I?) I started asking people if I could drink with the Russian mafia.

Famous Russian actor, Oleg Hill... OK... Maybe he is a little bit crazy!

I told my friend, well-known Russian Actor, Oleg Hill, if he could introduce me to the mafia. He leaned towards me and whispered, "I can't introduce you to the mafia, but see our security staff? They are all ex-KGB members. But, of course for you, my friend, I can arrange for you to drink vodka with ex-KGB members!"

Ex-KGB!? I'm in!

It was true! I think. These ex-KGB guys were huge and they didn't talk much. Oleg pointed out to me an older guy who seemed like the boss of the ex-KGB guys and he wore a red star badge on his suit. Oleg pointed to him and said, "See that red star medallion on his suit? He is a friend of Putin's and was a very high ranking general in the KGB. He won that medal, the highest honor in Russia, during the war in Afghanistan."

Photo of war veteran and highly decorated hero of the war in Afghanistan.

I tried to tell him I was honored to meet him, but he couldn't speak a word of English. 

I also tried to not look at his missing arm.

I looked at the general and, indeed, he wore the bright red star medal proudly upon his chest. I also knew he was the boss because he was ordering around the rest of the ex-KGB guys constantly. Oleg added, "Notice how he always has his right hand in his suit pocket? That's because he lost his arm in the war."

Come to think of it, it was true. The guy always had his hand in his pocket! Poor guy! I guess he got his arm blown off destroying a terrorist base camp single-handedly with nothing but a Swiss Army knife clenched in between his gritted teeth.

Oleg on the red carpet escorting a well-known actress named Fatima Havpacheva. 

I said, "OK, Oleg! Tell the ex-KGB guys I want to drink vodka shots with them." Oleg patted me on the back, winked and said, "Leave it to me, my friend." He then smiled at me and confidently walked off!

Oh joy! How many people can brag that they got trashed with the KGB? Not many, I'd reckon!

A few days passed and I never got the chance to drink with the KGB guys. Oleg would later tell me, "They are ex-KGB, they don't drink."

Damn!

"...he lost his arm in the war." - Oleg Hill

The general (in the middle) with some other famous Russian guys whose names I could never pronounce in a million years!

Later on, I'd meet the general one early morning and there he was waiting at the bus barking orders. I tried to talk to him and I shook his hand... I SHOOK HIS HAND!? Wait a minute! He had two arms! That Oleg told me a bunch of bullshit! I'll bet he told his friends, "That crazy American wants to drink with Putin or the KGB!" 

I could imagine them howling with laughter at my expense.

Moscow Airport. Yes, it was cold. Why do you ask?

Well, the days went by and I never met Putin, the Russian mafia, and I am not even sure those guys were ex-KGB! When I confronted Oleg about this and told him he lied to me about the general's missing arm, he laughed and said, "But, of course, my friend!"

Oleg and I would drink shots together several times... Each time to my regret and massive hangover the next day (everyday).

Upon the day of departure from Sochi, I realized that I had failed in my one mission in Russia: to drink with Vladimir Putin.... 

Or had I?

Defeated and dejected... With no photos of me and my pal Vlad, Vladimir Putin, I took the bus back to Sochi airport and then headed off to Moscow airport.

It was there, suddenly and to my total surprise, that the trail to Vladmir Putin suddenly grew hot. Hotter than I could ever imagine. For inside Moscow airport, I found Valdimir Putin merchandise on sale everywhere! Can you believe it? I guess the guy is sort of like some rock-star. You name it, they were selling it; Putin coffee cups, key chains, refrigerator magnets, T-shirts, etc, etc, and the Holy Grail of Valdimir Putin stuff: the 2018 Vladimir Putin calendar!

Putin calendars?! I had to have one, so I bought one. It was the last of only two at all the shops I could find at Moscow airport! Treasure!!!!

For your enjoyment, here are some select photos from inside the calendar!

Cover of the 2018 Vladimir Putin catalogue. He pets tigers because, well, because he can.

My drinking buddy, Vladimir Putin making a speech. 

Born to be Vild, er I mean, Wild! Don't think that Vladimir is a big pussy. He rides bikes with the boys! Helmet? What? This is Russia! We don't need any stinking helmets! 

Hell yeah! The dude likes fishing. Anyone who likes to fish is OK in my book! Normally, when I go fishing, I wear a T-Shirt... Not Vlad, he has to be ready for nuclear war at any second, so he wears a dress shirt!

Vlad is also a macho hunter too! No shirt while hunting? Forget about nuclear war! Even the mosquitoes fear Vladimir!

Don't mess with Vlad. He'll kick your ass! Here he is thrashing bozos with his karate moves!

Of course, there's Vlad honoring the military too! I'll bet they even let him shoot the big guns on those ships for duck hunting.... 

Not much meat left on the duck though, after being hit by a 12-inch shell!

Finally, Vlad, just wants to show that he is an ordinary working man. The kind of guy that ladies would love to bring home to introduce to mom and dad.

I am so glad that I was able to find the 2018 Vladimir Putin calendar. It was only one of the last two.

I would later show my friend Kasia Madera of the BBC show "Newsday" my Vlad calendar and she just had to have one so I showed her where the last remaining copy was. Of course, she bought it. 

Smart move, Kasia! No wonder you are on the BBC!

And now, as usual, dear reader will be complaining now about the title of this storied article: I Drank Coffee with Russian President Vladmir Putin - A True Story! Isn't true at all and I have no proof that I drank coffee with Vlad!

Oh, ye of little faith! I do find your lack of faith disturbing!

It's true. I swear to god that I did drink coffee with Vladimir Putin and I have a photo to prove it! See? Here I am with a hellacious hangover drinking coffee with Vladimir Putin....

Extremely hung over drinking with Vlad...

....Drinking coffee with a Vladimir Putin coffee cup!

Thanks to Vladimir Putin and thanks to my Russian friends in Sochi at the 2017 Sochi International Film Festival and Awards and my friends in Moscow!

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MORE Humorous stories about Russia?  

The Last Christmas With Sexy Hot Russian Babes!? Vladimir Putin and WWIII With Russia? https://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.jp/2017/12/the-last-christmas-with-sexy-hot.html

The Russian Embassy, Vladimir Putin, Natasha and Me - Another True Story https://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.jp/2017/12/the-russian-embassy-vladimir-putin.html

John Lennon, Yoko Ono, Tony Palmer, Roland Joffé and Me - Another True Story https://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.jp/2017/12/john-lennon-yoko-ono-tony-palmer-and-me.html

Here is the Facebook page for the Sochi International Film Festival and Awards. Go "Like" it: https://www.facebook.com/SochiFilmAwards/

The Russian Embassy, Vladimir Putin, Natasha and Me - Another True Story

This is a true story.... (well, sort of...)

So, it’s December 5, 2017. I get invited to a big film festival in Russia and the film festival is paying for ALL of my expenses! They are taking care of airfare from Japan, 5-Star Hotel, food, everything! Wow!.... 

In September, I went to Raindance Film Festival in London and met my hero Johnny Rotten, former lead vocalist of the Sex Pistols... Now, in December, I am going to Russia. Can I meet my other hero, Vladimir Putin, president of the Russian Federation? I think so. Yes!

My wife said, "That's crazy. You can't compare a punk like Johnny Rotten to Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia!" She's right, I suppose. 

Johnny Rotten has been famous for 40 years!

All expenses paid trip to Russia!? It’s my 2017 Christmas dream come true! 

"Everything is paid for!?... Wait a minute... What!?" 

First thought in my mind: "This must be some kind of trap!"

"Ve are paying for simpleton American to come to Rossia! Bwa! Ha! Ha!  
Ve vill kidnap him and hold him for ransom!" 

Bwa! Ha! Ha! Welcome to Rossia!" - Vladimir Putin

Really. Going to Russia is amazing. Going for free is like a dream come true.

But first, the hassles: I have to go jump through some hoops and get a visa at the Russian embassy... Of course, nothing is easy anymore.

I get everything ready as they instructed me to bring: invitation letter to film festival and Russian government approved visa code; copies of my airplane e-tickets, application code, passport, everything. 

I go to the Russian embassy. On my way, I figure this could be a major pain in the ass, so I had better be nice to people. Since I'm going to a film festival because I made a film (of course I can act!) I figure I had better be in character and act like a nice guy and not a boisterous, loud, drunk and stupid troublemaking American tourist...

I lower my head, walk a little slower and remember that I am humbled to be alive and thankful to all...

Finally, I get to the Russian Embassy. The building reminds me of that movie "War of the Worlds." (You know the building the Morlocks had where they ate the humans? (The Eloy.) 

Trying to look surly like a real Rossian.

There are Japanese cops standing around the embassy everywhere. It’s 12:45 pm. The embassy is locked. The sign says they are closed for the day (at only 12:45!?) WTF?????

Operating hours are from 9:30 am ~ 12:30??? Dream job! 

Where do I apply for a job like that?

I go back the next day (today) at 10:45 am. I'm in luck! They are open!

There's a hot young girl at the window. I call her 'Natasha' (not her real name).  I very politely say "Hello. Beautiful. Day isn't it? How are you?" I hand her my papers. 

She says nothing. 

Imagine a blonde Natasha... OK? We're on the same page.

Natasha asks “How soon would you like your visa?”

“Today?” I reply.

She smirks derisively and shakes her head, “No. That's impossible.” (Wait! Was that a quick wink at me and at my humor? Maybe she likes me?)

“Tomorrow?” I say.

“No.”

"Day after that?" (Which is Friday).

"No."

“Friday?”  (Which is the 'day after that.')

Not amused, she huffs as if to say, “You’re going to keep this up, aren’t you?” She gives me the stink eye, pauses... and says, “OK. Friday. That’ll be $218 dollars!”

I protest. “$218 dollars!? But it said $108 on the webpage!”

“No. That is for Japanese nationals. Americans are $218,” she curtly responds.

(What???? They charge Americans twice as much??? Come to think of it, If I were them, I would too...)

“Do you take credit cards?” I ask.

“No.”

“I... I don’t have $218 dollars.” I meekly respond.

Natasha (not her real name) smiles and sweetly says, “You can go to the ATM across the street.” 

I look down and shuffle my feet like a 10-year-old.... “I... I don’t have a bank card.”

She looks surprised, “You don’t have a bank card????”

Slowly, in embarrassment, I sigh, “No. At my house, my wife is the boss and she handles all the money. I don’t even have a bank card.... She gives me a monthly allowance.” (That’s true. And about 80% of all households in Japan are that way and a reason divorce is low in this country. If guys don't have any money, they can't do so many stupid things.)

I take a deep breath and, in defeat, slowly gather up the papers. I lean towards Natasha and say, through the window....”It’s ok. I know it’s not your fault... I guess I can’t go to Russia this time... I don’t have enough money and I don't have enough time... My flight is Saturday... But, well...”

Natasha looks shocked. She stops filing documents at 500 miles, er, kilometers an hour, pauses and looks straight at me and says, “.....OK... I understand... For you, $108!”

"What the f...? Just like that? She can decide to cut the price in half?" I'm now the one who is shocked.... But I figure I'd better stay in character. 

Like old Bob Cratchit who just received a lump of coal from Ebeneezer Scrooge to give to Little Tim, I hold back the tears...I softly say, “Thank you!” to Natasha (not her real name).

She smiles ever so slightly and I pay the $108 dollar and whimper, "Thank you" several times over....

I pay and then scurry out of the room like a mouse.

Of course, ve hold your passport and give it back to you after ve 

insert tracking chip. Bwa! Ha! Ha!

I have to go back to the Russian Embassy to pick up my passport with visa stamp in a few days. But now I am ready to go to Russia and accept my film festival trophy for "Best Actor" in the real-life drama, "Dumb Ass Broke American Guy at Russian Embassy."

Thanks Natasha (not her real name!) See you in Sochi, Russia, Vladimir!

(Mike has artistic license to exaggerate.)

The trailer (Eng. subtitles) for "Ghostroads - a Japanese Rock n Roll Ghost Story":