Random Thoughts, Notes and New Year's Resolutions for 2018

I'm in Japan. We are the first country on the International Dateline, so while you folks are still living in the past, we are in the future here and it's already Jan. 1, 2018.

See? Japan is cool! But you already knew that.

Photo by Sonny King Lucy's Crown 

Time for me, as your favorite sort-of-famous time-traveler person, who is already into the future, to waste yours and my time writing Random Thoughts, Notes and New Year's Resolutions for 2018. My scribbles from Japan on the morning of Jan. 1, 2018... While you folks are still living in the past! Bwa! Ha! Ha! 

OK, so put your thinking caps on cause this stuff is going to get convoluted.

Resolution #1: In 2018, I must be even more of a Grammar Nazi than ever before. 

We must be ever more resolute in correcting the atrocious shit our peers write. Jeez Louise! Look at lots of this crap on Facebook or Social Media! What will the Chinese be thinking when they take us over and their English is better than 70% of our peers? I won't have it. So, we must redouble our efforts to teach people 3rd grade grammar so that, "there writing and grammar wont be so bad that they're sentences are unreadable and you're understanding is than incorrect."

You get the idea right?

Resolution #1.1: In 2018, I must be even more of a Grammar Nazi for myself. 

Yesterday, I was drinking early (at home) to beat the crowds for New Year's holidays. I was tipsy and writing.* I put up a post I thought was controversial but funny. I figured everyone would get the joke.

This morning when I woke up, I realized that: I must be even more of a Grammar Nazi in 2018, even to myself. I'm usually pretty careful of this sort of thing because I try not to sound stupid as much (as little?) as possible. But I have to be ever (even?) more diligent this year.** 

Last night I put a post of me (myself?) wearing my favorite new T-Shirt on Facebook. It is (was?) a T-Shirt with my drinking buddy, Russian President Vlad Putin on it. The T-shirt says, "My president" on it. ("Upon the T-shirt it is written?")

I wrote, "Vladimir Putin. My President! My favorite T-Shirt." I laughed and closed my PC and went to bed.

Oh lordy. I woke up this morning with 24 private messages and a bunch of other comments that seem to take the "My president" part seriously. People were warning me about being a Russian sympathizer; Putin is a bad guy, Donald Trump, blah, blah (they were serious too!).... I should have explained that the shirt says, "My president" in Cyrillic script (That's Russian alphabet for all you dumb illiterates out there.) I don't mean, "Putin is my president." I meant that's what the T-Shirt said.

My bad. I will be more diligent (diligenter?) from the new year.

The guilty post and evidence #1 of Russian Collusion?

Resolution #2: In 2018, don't drink so much when writing. 

How often does this happen to you? You get shit-faced and then write some pissed off rant directed at everybody and their mother, then you awake the next morning and realize that you were a drunken asshole? Trust me, it happens far too often than I can remember (of course I can't remember, I was drunk!)

Of course, when drinking, it is difficult to control oneself so, either don't write when drinking or just don't drink when writing. OK? And, even more importantly, definitely DO NOT take your PC to a bar and drink with friends while making a business presentation!

Dammit! In March of 2017, I was at a bar and making a business presentation for my movie Ghostroads - A Japanese Rock n Roll Ghost Story (Trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxwJ4AfzOwM) when my drunk friend stood up and knocked a full beer right on top of my MacBook Pro. No shit! The nearly full glass of beer was knocked over and suddenly the entire world was in slow motion... I watched helplessly as... The glass... The beer... Slowly... Spilling.... over my MacBook keyboard... 

I was trapped in some sort of "Imobilo" ray that freezes it's victims into slow motion as I helplessly watched the flood flow across the keyboard of the PC..... MY PC!!!

I was frozen, unable to move as I watched my entire life washed away by beer on my MacBook Pro. It was worse than Katrina. Dammit! 

Resolution #2.1: "Write drunk at home. Edit sober."

That'll fix LOTS of problems.

Resolution #2.2 (ver 2.1 update with security repairs): Don't be stupid and take your PC to a bar where you or your idiot drunk friends can dunk your PC under a tsunami of beer, sinking your plans faster than the Titanic where that slutty chick survives while Dicaprio (deservedly) dies an excruciating death.

Artist's rendition of the great MacBook Pro disaster of 2017.

Resolution #3: Eat Healthy and exercise in 2018... 

Now, this is the most important one... THE ONE... That we, we, er... Snicker... We really need to get... Get... Seriou....Get serious abou.... Bwa! Ha! Ha! Yeah, right. We say this shit every year. Nothing happens... Forget it. Have a drink willya?

Resolution #4: Try to keep our mouths shut and not say so many stupid things.

In 2018, let's try to control ourselves and keep our mouths shut and not say so much stupid shit that no one really cares about. Nor should we pontificate to others about crap we know little about (and those people around care even less). 

A quote attributed to Mark Twain should be a rule for 2018: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt." (Actually, this quote is even older and appears in the bible from Proverbs 17:28: ”Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”

Point: Keeping our mouths shut in 2018 is the best way to not be considered an idiot. Let us never forget this important point. 

Resolution #5: In 2018, Watch More Cambodian Space Project.

Psychedelic rock band from Cambodia. Need I say more?

Resolution #6: In 2018, "Expect the Unexpectable." (apologies to Julien Poulson)

Some seriously weird stuff has happened to me right at the end of 2017. I am also expecting lots more weird shit to happen to everybody (ever see that movie, "The Truman Show"? Yeah? OK. We're on the same page.) So, as I say, "Expect the unexpectable." 

Good things happen to those who make their own luck and make things happen. Go the extra mile, make the extra effort in 2018 and good things will happen to you. Actually, I am serious about that. Oh, and keep our traps shut.

Well, I wanted some snappy one-liners to end this article, but I ain't got any. I do have just some more random thoughts.

2017 was the year of Crypto-currency. 

I believe that 2018 will truly be the Year of the Robot. Robots are going to start taking menial jobs (like at Burgerworld). So, if a robot is about to take that job at your local Burger-o-Rama, do not fear! Just remember the Laws of Hamburger Robotics: 

A) A robot shall not cause harm to any hamburger or to the human devouring that hamburger - nor through inaction - allow harm to that hamburger or to the human devouring it.

It's the Hamburger Robot Code. Remember it.

Fear not the robot! 

It's too late to fear anyway. 2018 is here.

Happy New Year!


*= An asterisk
**= Two asterisks


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Dedicated to: Masami Tajima, Stephen David Brooks, Koji Kamibayashi, James Santagata, Ken Nishikawa, Kanae Hara, Takatoshi Uchiyama, John Ferriter, Candice Anne Marshall, Alex Kish, Roger Marshall, Lee Popa, Nina Hagen Daz, Michael McThrow, Marc Platt, Hideo Kitabayashi and all my friends everywhere.

Jerry says, "I want food."

Gaijin Gourmet! Ladies! Beware of All Men!

Ladies! Beware of All Men!

Welcome, ladies, once again to another episode of the Gaijin Gourmet ®.

Ladies! I am here to tell you again to be very careful about men. Not just Handsome Foreign Gentlemen ® like me, but all men! 

Men are dangerous and not to be trusted!

Why are they dangerous? Well, you can trust me because I am divorced twice and married three times so I know exactly what I am talking about here. 

I am an expert. 

You see, all men have one of at least three problems. Those problems are:

1)    Too much drinking or dallying in other mind altering substances

2)    Gambling too much (and losing all the time)

3)    Running around with other women

Yes. That’s right. If you have a man as your partner right now, then watch out! He most definitely has at least one of these three problems right now! I know, because I used to have all three as MY PROBLEM ® all at the same time!

What should you do to make sure your guy doesn’t mess up your relationship with one of these problems? Easy. You have to control all the money and put him on an allowance!

My wife gives me ¥1000 a day (about $9 USD) when I go out to work so I don’t have any money to go gambling, drinking too much or running around with other women! (I want to - don’t tell my wife - but since I have no money, I can’t!)

Sure, it will be difficult to get your guy to give you all the money every month! Why is it difficult? Because he wants to go gambling and drinking and running around with loose women of extremely questionable moral values too! 

That’s what guys do!

So, you see, it’s better for everyone if you control all the money!

Sooner or later, he will calm down (probably after he finally matures - most guys finally mature at around 74-years-old). 

When us guys get older, we aren’t interested in running around with women anymore. It’s easier, faster and cheaper to just to sit at home and watch pornography… That way we don’t have to lie to our wives. 

Why don't we have to lie to our wives? They already know what we are doing at home all alone while they go shopping! See? They won't bother to ask us, "What did you do all day?" 

They already know the answer to that!

The other reason why it is actually easier for us guys to not have piles of money laying around is that we don’t get ourselves into trouble! Yes. That’s it. 

If the wife is controlling the money, then we don’t have to worry about spending too much or getting into trouble. It’s like being an 8-year-old boy again! Great! 

Ladies! Ask your guy when he was happiest in his entire life and he will tell you that he was happiest when he was a little boy. Why? He didn’t have to worry about money and mom took care of everything! When he wanted to buy something, he asked mom and she either said, “Yes!” or “No!” Simple!

Simple is best!

But, there is one thing I should warn you ladies about if you control all the money, that is because when it comes to tax time, it is your job to take care of it.... All of it.

At my house, when it is tax time and my wife has a mountain of papers and receipts to take care of and she is frustrated and tired, I always say, “Honey! That’s terrible. I wish I could help, but I don’t control the money… By the way, can I have ¥3000 yen (about $27 USD) to go to the local yakitori (BBQ chicken on sticks) and drink a few beers and eat chicken and watch TV? That way I won’t bother you.”

Everyone is happy!

At least I know I am.

And speaking of drinking, did you know that recent research has shown that couples who drink together are happier than couples who do not drink together?

That’s right. 

A study from New York University at Buffalo followed more than 600 couples as they began their new marriages. The couples filled out a questionnaire before their wedding and the same questionnaire after one, two, four, and seven years of marriage. The study found that couples with different drinking habits became dissatisfied with one another more easily than couples who enjoy drinking together!

So, if you want to be happy, then drink with your partner often!

And, if you are controlling the cash, then trust that your guy will consider that you are a great drinking partner... Especially since you'll be the one who always pays since you have all the money!

And if you are buying the drinks, then you can bet your bottom dollar, he'll be happy!

You can thank me later! 

NOTE: Did you know that, in Japan, in over 80% of all households, the wife controls the purse strings? This is also, I think, one of the big reasons why divorce rate in Japan is so low (of course there are lots of other factors too; stigma, economic reasons, etc.) http://www.nationmaster.com/country-info/stats/People/Divorce-rate

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Looking for a great Yakitori restaurant near Futakotamagawa? See:

Gaijin Gourmet! New Delicious Yakitori (Chicken BBQ on Sticks) In Futakotamagawa! robot55.jp/blog/gaijin-gourmet-new-delicious-yakitori-chicken-bbq-on-sticks-in-futakotamagawa/

The Ultimate Japanese Song and Karaoke: Four Minute Taste of the Essence of Japan: 浪花節だよ人生は

Ever wanted to go to Japan but couldn't afford it or just haven't had the chance to? Well, here's your chance, folks. This short blog post will give you one integral part of anyone's vacation to Japan all in just under four minutes.

Kimura Tomomi made this song a standard Enka classic

Ask any foreigner whose ever been to Japan and partied with Japanese people and they will tell you that this, if anything could, captures one slice of the essence of Japan. Laugh now, but it's a Karaoke video. 


Seriously. 


Let me set up the situation for you (as it happened to me!): You've been in Japan for one or two nights and your Japanese friends want to take you out eating and drinking. Of course you want to go and do.


They take you out to Shibuya or Shinjuku or some place that you can't remember the name of. First you go to an Izakaya and eat all sorts of delicious foods that come in all sorts of small plates. Everyone eats a little bit of this and a little bit of that. There's all sorts of foods there. The typical Japanese diet is not just a huge plate with one slab of beef, some mashed potatoes and gravy and bread. The Japanese eat a tine bit of this and that.


Of course you start off drinking beer. Everyone makes a toast and, instead of yelling, "Cheers!" they yell "Kampai!" (You just learned a very important Japanese word!)

Kampai!

After drinking and eating some,  then your Japanese hosts start drinking something else. It's probably sho-chu (Korean liquor). They ask you to try it. Heck, you're in Japan for the first time. What the heck? You'll try anything once. You do. The sho-chu is great! You drink a lot of it.


More food comes and you continue to eat and drink. Everyone is speaking Japanese so you haven't the clue as to what people are talking about and what's really going on, but you don't care... You're having a blast!


Then, it's on to the Japanese sake!


You get tipsy and have to go to the restroom... It's one of your first forays into Japanese world by yourself. The restaurant mama points you in the direction of the restroom. You walk in. You think, "Woah! These rooms are tiny! And what's that water faucet doing over the toilet water tank? Is that water clean?" 


When you return to your table, your friends continue with the festivities. You've eaten and drank to your hearts content. But, no! This is Japan! We have to go to somewhere else! Your friends want to go to Karaoke! You hate Karaoke, but you go anyway.


Outside, as you walk the city, you are blown away by the neon lights and the pretty girls who are just everywhere! What a sensory overload...


And the city is clean and the sidewalks are safe. There is no crime to fear! Heck, the most dangerous person in the entire 1 mile circumference of where you are is probably you!


You get to the Karaoke club. You haven't a clue as to which direction you came from. The club is a nice place. You go in. You drink more! It's a blast. "Wow! Japanese people are good singers!" You think (but no. They just are used to the controls of the Karaoke machine!) Everyone sings. You watch.


Then, the ultimate "Japanese song" and "Japanese Karaoke Video" comes on.... Like I said, this one video, at least for me, encapsulates the entire thing in just under 4 minutes.

浪花節だよ人生は (Naniwa Bushidayo Jinsei Wa) Suggested viewing? Watch along with drinking beer and sake

Later, your hosts make sure you find your way back to where you are staying... The next day, you wake up with a hangover...


You think, "God! I love Japan! I wish I could stay here forever."

Police in Japan Crack Down on After-Hours.... Dancing!

This idiocy is just getting out of control. I told you that the recent crackdowns on the Yakuza are actually motivated by recent lower government revenues from taxes leading to a fear amongst the Metropolitan Police Department that they are going to have to face budget cuts (so they create a straw man like Yakuza crimes) to justify massive over expenditures, but now they went in a busted a bar because of unruly foreigners (isn't it the bar owner's right to refuse service to anyone they please?) and because, heavens, people were dancing after-hours!!! Dancing! In a night club? What's the world coming to?


The Tokyo Reporter has the story:

TOKYO (TR) – The weekend bust of two popular nightclubs within the Gas Panic chain was due to the presence of undesirable foreigners, reports Nikkan Gendai (Nov. 30).

Well, hell, if you ask me, anyone who frequents Roppongi, foreign or Japanese, if "undesirable." I hate that place. Give me the neighborhood Moe's or local yakitori (chicken BBQ on sticks) anyday!

Moe's bar. That's me on the left in the red shirt.

Early Sunday morning, Tokyo Metropolitan Police entered clubs Gas Panic Bar and Club 99 in the Roppongi entertainment district and arrested managers Hidenori Wakita, 36, and Fumiki Nishihata, 35, for allowing dancing after 1 a.m. — a violation of the Law Regulating Adult Entertainment Businesses.

Dancing!? After 1 am? In a bar in Roppongi!? Never heard of such a thing. Weird, eh? People want to go to Roppongi to drink and dance on a Saturday night? Go figure, eh? 

I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you to find dancing going on at this establishment!

A journalist who covers the adult entertainment industry says the chain of foreigner-frequented bars is popular for those on low budgets, but in recent times police have been taking notice of trouble. “Recently, poorly behaving foreigners from the Middle East and South-East Asia have started showing up,” says the source. “They make others not want to come around, and maybe some neighbors complained.”

“They make others not want to come around.." Well, maybe, maybe not. But they can't possibly be more misbehavin' than the US military who are now confined to bases for being naughty, raising hell and committing serious crimes.

"...and maybe some neighbors complained"? What do you mean, "maybe"? Anyone who lives in Roppongi near these types of establishments cannot possible complain about drunks, foreigners or loud noises (or even, perish the thought, dancing!) 

The tabloid says that the raid of Gas Panic Bar occurred just before 2 a.m. “There were close to 200 customers in the place,” says a salaryman present at the time. “As the name says, it was a panic. At first, I thought they were targeting drugs or gangs. I was stunned that it was due to licensing problems since this sort of thing has been going on for 20 years.”

The salaryman is quoted, “As the name says, it was a panic." What!? An establishment does what they advertise that they are going to do and this is a problem, officer? And this has been going on for 20 years? Gee, who'd a thunk it? Just one more piece of evidence that this, like clamping down on the Yakuza for the horrendous crimes of ticket scalping, gambling, prostitution and, Mercy! Wining and dining TV producers!? What are we going to do? If I were prime minister, I think I'd declare martial law and do something stupid like bomb another country....Say? Isn't Pearl Harbor day right around the corner? Just asking.

Obviously vicious, dangerous and drunk. 

Writer's rendition of drunk salarymen who may have been dancing!

The issue concerns the type of license. Establishments within the Gas Panic chain are licensed as bars, which under the Law Regulating Adult Entertainment Businesses are not allowed to provide entertainment, such as dancing, after 1 a.m. without special authorization. Only drinking, however, is permissible.

Oh? I see. I own a bar or club or whatever. And I need a license to serve drinks. I cannot provide entertainment without another license. So what is "entertainment"? pray tell. Isn't the BGM music that I hear when I walk into Denny's, for example, considered "entertainment"? Well, it sure is as the establishment owner must pay music publishing royalties to play music. And, I need a license for dancing? G*ddamn! This place is starting to sound like the United States! Now, if two people hear some music and start dancing, as a bar owner, is it my duty to stop them? What constitutes "dancing" may I ask?

Dirty Dancing? Footloose? Any Ho's in da house?

Not in this establishment you don't ladies. Not without a license!!!

As an aside, there's far too many stupid people, foreigners included, who are trying to make money off this "Yakuza criminal underworld" nonsense by writing and selling books about non-issues. Once again, let me state, I'm sure the Yakuza and the dirty dancing certainly doesn't kill nearly as many people as the USA and NATO do annually (sometimes with Japan's support).

This was the second arrest in two years for Wakita. In 2009, police found similar violations at Club 99 and GP Bar, which is also within the Gas Panic chain, and took the manager into custody. After that, Gas Panic Bar installed a security camera at the door to alert management to turn the music down if police appeared.

Smart guys. I'd set up a camera too. But this is the only place that I think the Gas Panic people screwed up big time. Head should roll. Better security against police raids, guys! Your customer base deserves to be able to have fun in the security of your establishment and NOT be hassled by a bunch of criminals or SS officers or gestapo who wish to eradicate things like dancing! 

This nonsense is outrageous! The police are obstructing business. If it is too loud or people are dancing, the rational thing to do would be to go visit and ask them to turn it down. The last time this guy was hassled was 2009? Disgusting. (Oh, and by the way, notice the timing? In 2009, after the Lehman Brothers crisis, the economy was tanking and the government and police stepped up this kind of nonsense.)

"I won't dance! I won't! You can't make me!"

If there had been any recent problems at any establishment such as Gas Panic, the proper thing to do would be to contact the manager in a business-like manner and discuss the matter. Busting in and arresting the guy and causing a scene during business hours is Nazi State BS and a clear-obstruction of business issue.

And what of the customers dancing? They are having fun. Are they supposed to know the business license arrangements with the establishment? Is the establishment owner to post signs that say, "No Dancing" on premises? And, even if they did, would anyone think that a "No Dancing" sign was anything but a joke?   

Wakita was eventually convicted.

Oh, what was I saying about the government and police needing money? So, the guy was convicted... For what? Not having a proper dancing license?

This latest bust sends a message, continues the adult-entertainment journalist. “The crackdown will expand,” the writer says. “There are tens of thousands of improperly licensed clubs. Gas Panic is a big name, and they have continued to ignore warnings. Perhaps the police are taking a step forward to show the serious consequences to everyone else.”

The true message this sends is that the licensing business is a farce. It also shows us that the powers that be are completely and totally arbitrary in enforcing the law. When government coiffures run low, you can bet they will find some boogie man for which to try to gain revenues or, at least, makes sure certain department's within the government are not forced to take budget cuts. That they make a big scene and use the media to force the issue shows that they want to instill fear in other establishment owners in order to get them to pay up and buy or renew licenses.

Business is bad enough as it is for establishment owners. Increasing their costs will not help. Using fear to get them to cooperate is proof that this is coercion and a taxation problem. 

Recently, I have been seeing many road stops whereby the police are arbitrarily stopping drivers without due cause to look for some reason to fine them. The escalation against the Yakuza and the media BS is another indicator of this absurdness... Now, Gas Panic gets hit. For what?

For not having a license to allow dancing?*

If this is how things are going then, I say we bring back the 憲兵隊 (kenpeitai) thought police. Who knows what sorts of evil things people who dance are thinking about. They are dangerous...

Or maybe we can make money for requiring a license for any sort of body movement or even thinking about going to the toilet in a bar!

The possibility for new revenues are endless... Just thinking could be taxed.

NOTE: Oh, but I know what you are thinking: Taxing sex won't work as Japanese don't have sex.*

Holytaco reports:

One-quarter of married couples in Japan have had no sex in the past year, a survey showed.

Sex is particularly elusive as people grow older, with the study finding that 37.3 percent of Japanese married couples in their 50s were not having sex.

There was no comparable data for other countries but earlier surveys by condom manufacturer Durex has put Japan among the world’s least sexually active nations.

See? Maybe they don't have sex, but they think about it. So that's where the revenue comes from. 

* I know that the license is not specifically for dancing. It is the difference between a bar and dining establishment. But the point remains that this is a taxation issue. If the government were sincere, they wouldn't make these huge scenes and public mass media showcases. Proper business manners would call for mutually respectful discussions (not that I think the licensing is anything but coercion).

Thanks to Tokyo Reporter!

Gaijin Gourmet: Best Place for Drinking (Cheap and Delicious) in Ebisu! Ebisu Yokocho!

Ebisu is one stop from Shibuya. It's a big town. I hated going there because I thought that there were no good places to eat or drink. Oh, sure, there are lots of expensive places (and expensive places are supposed to taste good, right?) but I didn't know any good, cheap, old fashioned Japanese style, places to eat and drink in Ebisu until last night.


Finally! I found one. It's called "Ebisu Yokocho" and it's actually, not just one shop. There's several all in one place! "Ebisu Yokocho" (Ebisu Street) and it's only 1.5 minutes walk from the station! Sapporo in Hokkaido has it's own Ramen Yokocho and there's Okonomi-mura in Osaka. Now, thank the lord, I've found a great and cheap place to eat and drink in Ebisu. 


Ebisu Yokocho opened in 2008 and it really looks the part of an old, out of the 1950's or 1960's Japanese style drinking and eating establishment. Here's their webpage (sorry only in Japanese): http://www.ebisu-yokocho.com/access.html


There is now a reason to look forward to going to Ebisu!


I was only there for 30 minutes so I didn't have time to get all the details, but here's a load of photos for you and, as they say, a picture speaks a thousand words. Here, have a quick and fun vacation to Japan (and a location map):

View from outside

Kampai!

There's at least ten shops down this aisle. Lots of women too so that means the food is good!

My best friend, Michio

Everywhere was full of customers

All sorts of tastes

The atmosphere of Japan from a long time ago

Like garlic? They got garlic!

Hoppy and Haippi

I love this yakitori place!

Did I say ten shops? Nope. Nineteen shops shown!

I highly recommend this Yakitori shop. Easy to find too! It's called Kappa chan and it's the first shop when you step into the door on the right side!

Kappa chan

東京都渋谷区恵比寿1-7-4

1.5 minutes walk from Ebisu station

Ebisu Yokocho

Pop! Fizz! Glug! Drinking in the morning? What an Alcoholic is and What it is Not

Imagine the sound of a can of beer being popped open. Pop! Fizz! Glug! 

WHAT'S THE USE IN GETTING SOBER? 

(YOU'RE JUST GOING TO START DRINKING AGAIN)

Imagine that the first thing out of the mouth of that person holding that beer and popping it open is "Good morning to you!" Pop! Fizz! Glug!   

Imagine that this scene is happening at dawn... Perhaps 5 in the morning. Pop! Fizz! Glug!

Imagine that the person popping open that beer at 5 am is saying "Good morning" Pop! Fizz! Glug! And he's chugging it down and smiling. 

That person is me. Is that person an alcoholic?


No, there are more details you need. I have actually had this experience many times. You see, this is my dream in life. When I retire, I want to do this everyday of the year. Pop! Fizz! Glug!


Where am I in this scene? I am on a deep-sea fishing boat out in the Pacific Ocean a hundred miles from the coast. I am with my friends. We are on vacation. We left the harbor late last night and the fishing boat is just arriving, after a 10-hour journey, to the fishing spot.


It is a beautiful day. We are out in the middle of the Pacific ocean. There is no other humanity around excepting us on that boat. The boat's engines stop. The boat floats. We gear up our fishing poles and drop line waiting for fish (and drinking more beer). It is heaven. Pop! Fizz! Glug!


So, I ask again, is this person an alcoholic? Nope. Just on vacation and just fishing. It is wonderful.  

Drinking and fishing is good enough for Babe Ruth

so it's good enough for me! (Oh, but the Babe

had a serious drinking problem it seems!)

A few posts ago, I put to blog my thoughts on "What is an Addiction?" From that post, I have received many mails from people asking me what I thought about various addictions such as nicotine addiction and my take on the casual drinker.


Those were all tough questions to answer and, I suppose, like I stated in my article that since each chemical affects different people differently, then I guess it goes to reason that each person's method of abusing their body will affect those around them differently and how they (and their "amusement") are perceived.


Even if one's self-ordained medication doesn't seem to bother the partaker to the point of failing in their work and home duties, if it affects the thinking of those around, then I suppose, using my logic, it must affect their human relationships.


Once again, to recap what an addiction is for those who missed the first article, in a sentence or two from What is an addiction, consider:


Addictions are not the problem of alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or whatever. Addiction is not a problem of the substance abuse in and of itself... Addiction is a problem of human communication.

For example, drug addiction is not a problem of drugs. Drug addiction, like all addictions is a problem of human relations. This is the part about addictions that people fail to recognize for what it is. Drug addiction, like all addictions become a problem when they start to interfere with your human relations and communications with the people around you.   


So that article discusses what an addict is. This discusses (with a hopefully humorous story) what an alcoholic (or addict) is not.


So, what isn't an addict? Now there's a tough question to answer!


It's only the middle of October and Christmas and New Year's are just around the corner. With this story, I cannot answer the question as to "what is an addict"? But I sure can answer what it is not. 


I'd like to share this humorous true story with you about exactly what isn't an alcoholic but is perceived as one. 


Perhaps I can get away with this unseasonably untimely article because I saw, at Tokyo's famous and extremely fashionable Takashimaya department store, people already lined up for New Year's "Oseichi Ryori."

Lining up at the start of October for Oseichi Ryori for January 1!

Crikey! The Christmas stuff wasn't even out yet! 

But, as I often do, I digress...


Trust that if you never drank alcohol or ever took any sorts of drugs at all, and you witnessed someone doing so in the early morning or sneaking off to do so where they wouldn't be seen, you'd think they had a serious addiction problem. That's happened to me... At my wife's parent's house.


That's the story today.


But first, let me recall my very first New Year's Day in Japan. It was in 1980. I was in Japan for vacation and visiting my then, and soon to be, first wife's house. I didn't know it at the time, but my soon-to-be wife's father was the president of a construction company and they had a dormitory. Several (many, all?) of the workers lived on the first floor of their house which was that dormitory. I stayed on the second floor of their house during my entire three week stay in Japan.


I didn't know what was going on with all these people living and staying at this house (my fiancee wasn't good at explaining things) so I thought this arrangement was a bit bizarre and figured that these people were all workers and/or family members. They were all very nice people and were always friendly to me, though I didn't know exactly who they were.


One day, it became New Year's morning, at about ten am, I went downstairs to the living room (I'm sure with a hangover).


When I got downstairs there were eight or so men, who worked at my girlfriend's dad's company who were passed out on the floor - drunk. I stepped over them and wanted to go to the bathroom... There was my wonderful future mother-in-law Komako and she smiled at me. She said,


"Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu!!" (Happy New Year!) and she offered me a drink of sake.


"Wow! I love Japan! What a wonderful country!" I thought. "People drink from the morning and enjoy life. I love this place!"


That was my very first New Year's in Japan. It was a wonderful memory and I'll never forget it.


Later I would soon learn that the Japanese had strict societal "rules" about alcohol drinking. It was considered fine to drink on holidays and special occasions from the morning, but to drink during the week, during work hours, or to drink so much that one missed work, was totally forbidden (though, of course, some people are alcoholics and do that). 


Japanese people who are gainfully employed still, to this day, and to my knowledge, never drink during work hours. This, as opposed to Americans who are known to have two-martini lunches (I sure did before I came to Japan - and those at my bosses' behest!) 


That New Year's day had a profound effect on me as to so-called "responsible drinking."


Fast forward at least twenty three years later...


I was a producer of many TV and radio shows and had gone the rounds with the people who are gainfully employed in the mass media. Let me tell you, those people can drink.


I have learned a few things about working in the mass media and sales in Japan (if you are in the mass media, then you are salesman, if for nothing else, selling yourself) then you have to drink. And that means drinking a lot. Drinking  a lot nearly every night of the week. The weak drinkers and faint at heart need not apply. If you want to succeed in those businesses, in Japan, then expect to drink heavily.


Let me give you one example. Mr. Sugiyama, Taro, Mikey and me. Four of us. Start drinking at 5 pm. Finish drinking at 8 am when the bar owner kicks us out. By then we have consumed 5 pints of beer each and between us downed 6 liters of Korean liquor that is 25% alcohol. I was so drunk that I couldn't walk. 


It wasn't the first time I'd been that drunk. It wasn't the last...


I do hope, though, in my old age, that I don't do that again...   


Now, I am a responsible drinker... 


But there are still two people who think I might be an alcoholic. Those two are my wife's mom and dad. 


They don't drink alcohol.


They don't smoke cigarettes. 


They don't gamble.


They live in the country and there's nothing to do there except go for walks and, for exciting entertainment, go to the one and only department store for miles around. Woop-dee-doo!


So, it used to be, I dreaded going there because there was nothing to do. They live out in the middle of the sticks. Even going to the department store is a good 8 minute drive by car... Walking? Oh, there's a 7-11 convenience store about 8 or 9 minutes walk from their house... I'd guess it's at least 1 kilometer away (about 3/4 mile or so). 


This 7-11 convenience store would be the exact cause that my in-laws think I am an alcoholic. Here's what happened:


It was New Year's Day. My son wasn't yet born and wife and I had gone to stay at her parent's home for the holidays. I was dreading that because, like I said, they don't partake in any particular, shall I say, "escapisms." In fact, they are very serious people and quite conservative about many things. 


I love my in-laws and they are good and kind to me, but they are definitely quite the prim and proper middle aged Japanese couple: Little sense of humor; he was the former president of a large Japanese corporation and she was the head dietician for all elementary schools in all of Kanagawa prefecture. (Imagine a person who was head dietician for all elementary schools in, say, Texas and you get the idea). They both had received numerous awards from Japanese prime ministers and came from strong and upstanding families and all that.


Me? I am a lowlife American who liked to drink to excess with friends at work nearly every night and smoked cigarettes and loved to gamble.


It was New Year's morning. I prepared for it by buying two large cans of beer from the 7-11 convenience store the night before. I knew that I would be the only one drinking at that household and that I would have to control myself; that's why I only bought two cans. I figured that I could probably drink the two cans really quick, get a buzz (maybe) then go back to sleep until it was time to go to the shrine and then food!


I sat at the dining table. It was about 10 am. I opened a beer. "Good morning to you!" I said to my mother-in-law. Pop! Fizz! Glug! She sat down by me looking very worried,


"Is it OK that you drink so early in the morning?" she asked.


I replied, "Oh, sure! You kidding? My friends and I drink much more than this!" I think I shouldn't have said that. My mother-in-law looked on with a worried face as I drank the next can of beer immediately. Pop! Fizz! Glug!  


Later on, my wife got mad at me and told me not to drink in front of her parents. She told me that they think I have a drinking problem.


"What!?" I said, "I only had two cans of beer!" 


"I don't care!" My wife said. "My parents don't drink at all, so if you are going to drink, go do it somewhere else!"


"Nonsense!" I thought. 


Later that day, I decided that I wanted to drink and smoke. Couldn't do it there at the in-laws house so I told them that I was going to "take a walk." I did. I grabbed some money from my wife and headed down to the 7-11. 


The 7-11 is a good walk down a fairly steep mountainside... The coming back up hill would suck, but I still wanted the booze... And there's not much to stop a man who is bored out of his mind, in the country with nothing to do, at a house where people do not drink or gamble or smoke, so I took the walk.


It was a brisk afternoon. I entered the 7-11 like a kid in a candy store. "Oh boy! Booze!" I grabbed a few large cans of beer and some cigarettes, paid for them, and walked out of the store...


When I walked out, I looked for somewhere to sit. Somewhere that I could leisurely relax and enjoy the sun and my cigarettes and beer. There wasn't any place good, so I popped open the beer and lit a cigarette in the parking lot.


"Wow! Drinking in a parking lot!" I thought. "Just like when I was a university student." It felt good!


I took another large swig of the beer and then walked over to the street corner to look around at Stickville. Nothing! Nothing to the left of me, nothing to the right of me excepting rice fields as far as you could see and closed shops and houses.


"Shit!" I thought. I took some more puffs and downed the beer. I put the empty can back into the vinyl bag and opened another. Pop! Fizz! Glug! 


Then it happened.


Just as I was standing on the street corner downing the second beer, they came. Right in front of me. My mother and father-in-law drove by in the car and they were looking right at me! They were shocked and had their mouths gaping wide open. I could read their minds. They were thinking,


"Oh, my god! Definitely Mike does have a drinking problem! He is sick! Our daughter married an alcoholic! What shall we do? He's standing on a street corner drinking like some homeless person! Oh, the shame!" 


They drove by gaping at me. I saw them too and probably looked like a deer caught in the car's headlights. I quickly tried to put the beer behind my back as they drove past. I tried to look nonchalant and smiled as I waved with my other hand that was holding the vinyl bag with the empty beer can. It was probably obvious that there was an empty in the vinyl bag from the way it looked.


Eyes wide open and staring at me. Their mouths gaped open like baby chicks waiting for their mother to feed them. They turned the corner and drove down the street in the opposite direction.


"Shit!" I thought. Pop! Fizz! Glug!  


Later on, when I returned home, my wife told me that her parents didn't want me out drinking in public because they didn't want the neighbors to see me and know that their daughter had married an alcoholic foreigner. They said that if I insisted upon drinking, that I should do it at their house where no one would see me. My mother told my wife that she thought I might need to seek professional help.


No thank you. I know how to drink. I don't need a professional teaching me how to do that.


That's been at least 7 years ago. In spite of what you think, I am not an alcoholic. I deny that completely.


Why can I deny that? Because we go to my wife's parent's house several times a year. I have come to enjoy going there now. I control myself and don't drink when we go there


Why? Well, when I go there,

I don't drink alcohol.

I don't smoke cigarettes. 

I don't gamble.

In fact, whenever I go to my in-laws house, I usually go three or four days in a row without any of the above (I take lots of naps). It's kind of like doing a body cleansing. I do feel much better whenever I return from visiting the in-laws house.

It's when I get home that the process repeats. 


Pop! Fizz! Glug!