My Life is Like a "B" Grade Horror Movie

I have been thinking about writing another book. Well, actually, I've been thinking that since 2005, since the first, and only, book I ever wrote came out.

It was a terrible book. I hope I can write a better one next time... Then again, on second thought, a third grader could probably write a better book than my first one. It was crappy.

Mike Rogers (me) self-portrait of what I looked like while in Austin, Texas

I've been inspired to write a new book by three things. One was my new favorite blogger, who wrote a post entitled; Why and How I Self-Published a Book. (If that link doesn't work, try this one: http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/05/why-and-how-i-self-published-a-book/)

In that post he explains why and how he wrote the book. I like the ideas. Actually, I hate publishers and I hated dealing with those people who published my first book and never want to do that again. I also want to publish the book and give it away for totally and completely free.

I want to tell stories and I think I am good at it. And, at this time in my life, I am not so interested in doing it for money. Maybe someday, but not now. 

My biggest problem was how I was going to tie up all these bizarre stories I have in my mind (all true stories, too!) and all this crazy sh*t I've done (and lived to tell the story about) into one coherent book.... 

Now, I realized how to do it... Hence the title of this post.

Another thing that has inspired me is that, since coming back from that hellish trip to the USA, I think my writing has, for some inexplicable reason, improved by leaps and bounds... Not that you could tell by my readership which sits where it always has.

The third thing that inspired me was I met a lady today who was an acupuncturist trained in Austin Texas. She didn't look like she was from Texas. She was either Korean or Japanese and studied in Austin. That seems strange to me. Doesn't that seem strange to you? I mean, here was this pretty Asian woman who learned acupuncture in Austin Texas? How does that work? Doesn't there seem like there is something strange about that?

Anyhow, when she told me she studied in Austin I told that I had been there before and that I thought people in Austin Texas were crazy... (As if anyone from Southern California has any right to call anyone else crazy! Southern California has the craziest people in the world, I think... Excepting for, maybe, New Yorkers...)

She laughed and agreed with me. Maybe she thought it were true or maybe I still have that killer charm with the ladies. Probably the former since I was at acupuncture and an 85-year-old man probably could turn their neck farther and faster than I could. I couldn't turn my neck at all.

JELLO BIAFRA & MOJO NIXON - 

ARE YOU DRINKIN' WITH ME WITH ME JESUS?

I started telling her and the other doctors about the one time I went to Austin Texas in 2005... Cindy Sheehan, the anti-war protestor mother whose son, Casey, had been killed in the war, was having a protest near the Bush ranch in Austin. There were people from around the world gathering there to see her and to support her protest against the Iraq war. Since I was a regular columnist for the well known Libertarian site Lew Rockwell.com, she asked me to come and show support from Japan. I accepted the invitation. Hence... I told the acupuncturists about how I flew to the USA to join this protest. 

I might call this episode: 

Austin, Texas, USA, 2005: the Land of the Free

I had heard that the US authorities were frowning upon people going to Austin so, in order to hide my intentions, I flew into Atlanta Georgia and transferred there to a flight to Austin. In my twisted mind, I figured that if I flew into Atlanta first, and not Austin, the immigration and customs authorities wouldn't think twice about my intentions. I thought they'd definitely give me trouble if I flew in direct from Japan.

To make sure I had a good cover story, I created a fake google email account and sent myself an email claiming that it was from my cousin and that 110-year-old "Aunt Emma" was dying and that the entire family was waiting for me to hurry up and visit before it was too late. I printed that email out and it was good that I did. It seemed the immigration and customs agent was suspicious of me and when I showed him the letter and acted like I was about to cry, he let me go by immediately. 

I grabbed my Oscar award for best acting, er, I mean my connecting flight boarding pass and off to Austin I went. 

I finally arrived at Austin International airport after about 24 hours of traveling from Japan. I was exhausted. My great friend, Steve (not his real name) picked me up in his dirty pickup truck. He needed gas money, I gave it to him and we headed off to his place as that was where I was staying.

Like I said, I was exhausted and my brain was fried to a crisp. The last thing I needed was loud, fast, hard-core thrash punk rock music blasting in my ear. Steve gave it to me. He delivered it at pretty much full-volume all the way to his apartment.

I laugh now, but it was hell at the time.

Once arriving at the apartment, I told Steve that all I wanted was to take a shower, have a drink and go to sleep. The shower was no problem. The drink and sleep were another story.

Since it was a Sunday, Steve told me that Austin was a "dry" city and that alcohol sales were prohibited on Sundays. Christian nation and all. I couldn't believe it. Didn't Steve at least have a beer in the fridge? Nope. He didn't drink. Neither did any of his friends he proudly informed me.

Snorting cocaine and smoking marijuana were another story, though. Steve began lighting up joints immediately as we entered his abode. 

Steve coughed and snorted as he to tried to hold in the puff as he handed the joint towards my direction..."Mike, you can't buy any beer on Sunday's, it's against the law. So why don't you smoke one of these?" (As if smoking marijuana wasn't against the law!?)

I put my hand up in a 'no thanks' gesture... "No. Really, Steve. I don't do that anymore. Seriously. I can't just go and buy a beer?"

"Nope. Not on a Sunday." He gasped as he lit the spiff again.

"But what about that convenience store I saw around the corner? I can just go there and buy one, can't I?"

"Nope." He said as he concentrated on his new friend in his right hand...

Not being the kind of guy who takes "no" for an answer, I changed clothes, got up and headed out the door. I figured that money talks and that I could bribe my way into a beer or two. I walked into the convenience store and said to the clerk,

"Look. Here is my passport. See? I don't live in the USA. All I want to do is to buy a beer and go to sleep. I just came in from Japan and I'm exhausted." The clerk said,

"Wish I could help you but alcohol sales are illegal on Sundays."

"Yeah, I know that. How about if I give you $20 to sell me just one beer?" The clerk shook their head, "No!" I kept upping the bribe,

"$50, $80, $100!" No deal. The clerk said,

"I'd love to sell you a beer but the cases are all locked." I went to look, sure enough, they were all chained and padlocked closed. The chains were huge and the padlocks looked like something you'd see at Fort Knox.

I couldn't believe it. This was the USA. Texas of all places. Supposedly the hot seat of freedom and the land of the free. In Japan (a nation that was supposedly not nearly as free as the USA), I could buy a can of beer anytime I wanted to at anytime of the day or night (24/7) and walk down any public street drinking it anywhere I wanted. Not being able to buy a can of beer in the Land of the Free? In Texas of all places? "Alcohol sales illegal on a Sunday"!? What rubbish. I'd never heard of such a thing. Must be impossible. These people were joking.

I went back to my friend's apartment. By then another of his friend's had already shown up to meet me. My friend, Steve, laughed as he lit up another joint and said, "See? Told you that you couldn't buy any beer! Have a hit of one of these. This is good stuff!"

Still, I didn't want to get high on dope, I just wanted a drink to calm down and go to sleep. I asked Steve to call his friends and ask if they have anything to drink. 

"My friends don't drink alcohol, Mike. This is pretty much a dry county and my friends just smoke. Sure you don't want none of this?" He handed the joint to me.

"No. Really. Seriously. I don't do that anymore. It just makes me paranoid as hell and I'm already paranoid enough as it is."

Steve called around to his friends. Sure enough, no one had any drinks at home. One friend, though, suggested that he knew a "Speakeasy" where I might get a drink.

Speakeasy's were popular in the 1930's during Prohibition when the idiots in control of the government made drinking alcohol illegal across the United States. Underground bars, posing as tea and coffee houses, began popping up everywhere where people could get in, knowing a secret password, and have a drink. Here it was 2005 America and they still had them in Texas operating on Sundays. Steve's friend tried to get me into one. 

After several tries, he gave up. No dice. The bosses of the Speakeasy's were very strict about who they served alcohol to. I understood. My friend told me that if they were caught serving alcohol on a Sunday, they would go to prison. They didn't served booze to anyone they didn't know for years personally. You never know when an FBI sting will be setup to bust one of these operations (a FBI sting that will have cost millions of dollars over a few years just to bust some old guy serving whiskey to ten people....Good deal for the taxpayers, eh?)

What a wonderful country!... I'm sure the Taliban would approve.

Unbelievable. Sunday in Austin Texas and there was no way one could buy even one can of beer. Like I said, compare that with unfree Tokyo Japan where one could buy a beer anytime of the day, 24 hours a day, and drink it anywhere they wanted too, even on a public street! So much for the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Finally, one more friend of Steve's came over to meet me. He was a fan of my scribblings too. He felt sorry for my not being able to get a drink. 

A typical Sunday's entertainment in 

"God's Country"

"God's country!" He laughed and cynically proclaimed as he poured out lines of cocaine onto the glass table top.

Steve kept smoking marijuana, and this new friend kept chopping up cocaine. They both kept offering me some and I kept declining.

"All I wanted was one little drink, yet I couldn't have it." I said as I lay down on the sofa. The friend snorted the cocaine and rubbed his nose. Through his gasps he looked at me and said, 

"Mike! This is a dry county in a Christian country in the Land of the Free. Why is it you have a problem with that? Why do you hate the baby Jesus!?" He laughed sarcastically at the absurdity of it all and handed the straw towards me. I refused. After a 24 hour flight, snorting cocaine was the last thing I needed.

On the left of me, here's a guy breaking the law by smoking marijuana. On the right of me, a guy breaking the law doing cocaine. Me, in the middle, I cannot even buy a glass of wine or a beer just because it is a Sunday? What is this? Enforced Christianity? Didn't Jesus drink wine?

In the country that is supposed to be the Land of the Free, I can't even buy a can of beer on a Sunday? And this is the nation that is supposed to bring freedom and build democracy to people's in Iraq, Afghanistan and the Middle East?

Lord, help us. And please give me a drink.

Non-Alcohol Beer and Other Crimes Against Humanity

There's some things in life that just ain't right. That includes an unfaithful woman, losing your wallet; a dog that won't bark or a pickup truck that won't start on a cold Texas morning when you're late for rustlin' cattle...

Or how about the girl that broke your heart at the big high school dance reunion? 

Sure. We've all had one of those. 

Heck, a few of us have had more than our fair share.

I know I have.

But there's one thing that is even worse than all those bad things put together and that's non-alcohol beer. Drinking Non-alcohol beer is like smoking low nicotine cigarettes: I mean, what's the point?

One of the main culprits in Japan

Like my good friend Taro Furukawa, who still smokes 17 mg. high tar and nicotine cigarettes, once said to a friend who was smoking those new-fangled low nicotine 1 mg. filtered light cigarettes, "What's this? You either smoke or you don't smoke! One mg. cigarettes are for kids!"

He's right. When I smoked, I smoked 14 mg. sticks. Those had a kick. One mg.?! Why bother?  

Even the can looks unappetizing!

Now they've got non-alcohol beer. That just disgusts me to no end. What's the point of drinking beer if you don't get a buzz? I mean, drinking American beer is bad enough with its low alcohol content of 2.5% alcohol... But 0%!? 

What kind of sick and twisted mind could conceive of such a thing?

It's also getting out of hand. You know that things are upside down in this bizarre world we live in when even your doctor recommends that you cut down on alcohol by drinking non-alcohol beer. My doctor did just that the other day! He told me to drink non-alcohol beer. 

I told him that I drink non-alcohol water. Why? It doesn't have any alcohol either and doesn't cost $1.50 a can!

WTF? I think it's time to find a new doctor! Whatever happened to to old west type of doctors that we used to see in the cowboy movies? You know, the type that drank whiskey and was drunk all the time. Now that's my kind of doctor!

Riiiiiiight! Dark alcohol free beer? You gotta be kidding me!

If you really stop to ponder the situation for a minute, you'd realize that no sane thinking man would intentionally start out to make non-alcohol beer.

If there wasn't proof of the existence of Satan, then I'd ask that you consider the existence of non-alcohol beer as incontrovertible evidence that the prince of evil must be working on some idle minds out there.

See? This non-alcohol beer business has to be an accident!

I guess it all started with Decaffinated coffee. A handy internet search tells me that:

"The decaffeination process was developed by Dr. Ludwig Roselius of Bremen, Germany. The process requires either water processing or chemical solvents like ethyl acetate and benzene to remove caffeine."

So some crazed German mad man scientist out to destroy civilization actually developed the process to make decaffeinated coffee on purpose!? And he put benzene in the coffee???? 

I think this benzene stuff is poisonous, isn't it? Let's see what Wikipedia says about Benzene:

"Benzene is a natural constituent of crude oil, and is one of the most basic petrochemicals. Benzene is a colorless and highly flammable liquid with a sweet smell. It is mainly used as a precursor to heavy chemicals, such as ethylbenzene and cumene, which are produced on a billion kilogram scale. Because it has a high octane number, it is an important component of gasoline, comprising a few percent of its mass. Most non-industrial applications have been limited by benzene's carcinogenicity."

"Crude oil"? "Important component of gasoline"? "Benzene's carcinogenicity"???

OK... So what's the downside to the argument?

Get my point? This decaf nonsense and its bastard three headed love child, non-alcohol beer, need to be eradicated with utmost prejudice....

But no. It is not to happen....

Today, at the store, I saw the next generation in the decline of western civilization. No, you can't make this stuff up... 

Today at the store, I saw, for the first time in my life... are you ready for it?...

Unfrickingbelievable!

Non-alcohol canned Chu-hi!!!!??? Yeech!

Jesus! That takes the cake! What a disgraceful and disgusting idea... Someone kill me, will ya? 

I wouldn't be caught dead holding one of these... 

What's next? Alcohol free whiskey shots?

Thanks to Ken Nishikawa for pointing this atrocity out to me at the super yesterday!

Man Dies Smoking "Legal Herb"? Japan's Newest Drug Craze and More Unnecessary Drug Laws

Interestingly enough, just after I finished my series on drug rehabilitation in Japan, the news is out that a young man was smoking 脱法ハーブ (Dappo herb) "legal herb" and died in his apartment in Nagoya. It also seems that there is some confusion as to whether or not this Dappo Herb is legal or not. Shop owners have been circumventing the law by selling the herbs as "incense." It seems that if the shop owners tell the customers that they should smoke the herb, then that would be breaking the law.


This is confusing as, with, say Marijuana, Japanese law is specific; smoking marijuana is not illegal in Japan. Possession of marijuana is illegal. Possession precedes use. Makes sense. So, then why isn't possession of these laced herbs not illegal? It is just more on the madness of these laws... But more on that later.

This news has come to the forefront last night and today as, day before yesterday, a young man in Nagoya was alleged to have been smoking the Dappo Herb and then he died. It is not yet sure the reasons for his death but police suspect it has something to do with an overdose concerning Dappo Herb.


Here is a news story about the incident:

Quick explanation & translation:  

The video talks about a 24-year-old guy named Miura, a restaurant employee, who was smoking this Dappo Herb with a friend and died on February 6th, 2012. The friend told police that they were smoking when Miura grew silent. Soon after, his friend checked him and Miura's body was cold. The police said they found the Dappo Herb in Muira's pocket along with a pipe. Many shops are selling Dappo Herb as "legal herbs" but this is not true. The police say they will start enforcing the law in a more vigorous manner.

The rise in popularity of Dappo Herb has gone from two shops selling it in Tokyo in 2009 to at least 89 this year. 

Japan Times reports:

The Tokyo Metropolitan Government identified two shops selling such products in fiscal 2009. As of last Friday, 89 such shops were in existence, many of them in Shinjuku and Shibuya, areas popular with young people.

"Even if (herbs) do not include chemicals designated (as illegal) by law, you can't say they are safe. (Inhaling them) is like conducting a human experiment with your own body," said Masahiko Funada, who heads a team researching addictive drugs at the National Center of Neurology and Psychiatry in Tokyo.

The Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry has been locked in a race with dealers as it keeps adding new stimulants to its list of illegal drugs while dealers keep marketing new products, including new chemicals they say are not covered by drug regulations. 

Well, that's the news; and now the commentary: 

That last paragraph of this quote from the Japan Times should demonstrate to anyone the futility of these sorts of laws prohibiting victimless crimes. There will always be new chemicals coming up that are outside the law. Will we keep expanding the laws forever and ever? We need less government in our lives, not more. It doesn't matter whether it is gambling, prostitution, or drug use, victimless crimes should be decriminalized. 


It is true that this guy died in Nagoya but there is no proof that Dappo Herb caused his death. If he is stupid enough to be smoking some sort of chemical concoction that he doesn't even know what it is, then let him. There is no way to outlaw stupidity.

The government has no business passing laws on what people wish to put into their bodies. If people are stupid enough to want to huff airplane fuel, drive without a seat belt, drink until they kill themselves, or eat junk food all the time, will we pass laws making that illegal too? (Look at the idiocy in England whereby teapots must be labeled, "Sugar leads to diabetics." (sic))

This comes down to private property rights. The poor guy who died, as with you or me, are the owners of our own bodies. There is no one who has the right to tell us what we can and cannot consume. Guidelines are welcomed, but these draconian laws are a waste of taxpayers money.

Some will say that decriminalizing, say, heroin or cocaine will cause a boom in its use. That's total nonsense. Five years after decriminalizing many of these drugs, Portugal enjoyed seeing their use cut in half as reported by Forbes magazine. But you don't need to read Forbes to realize that decriminalizing drugs would not lead to a boom in their use... If heroin were decriminalized tomorrow, would you go out and start doing it; your friends or family? I didn't think so.

Like I said, we need less government in our lives, not more. The expansion of laws and these sorts of actions only serve to increase the size of government and the tax burden on the average Japanese citizen. The politicians want to increase our sales tax to 10% - even, some say, 25%! but what they fail to realize is that they can raise the taxes forever and it won't matter.

It won't matter because, no matter how mathematically challenged the Japanese government is, you cannot forever continue to spend more than you take in. That should be the lesson learned over these last 20 years, going on 30, but it's not. 

We need to shrink the size of government and government duties and with it, our tax burden. A great place to start is the ridiculous policing of victimless crimes. 

A quick and easy way to do that would be to decriminalize victimless crimes like prostitution, gambling and smoking of recreational drugs. We've regulated and decriminalized one of the most dangerous, addictive and deadly drugs known to man; alcohol, and that seems to be working out okay.

Cutting down on the number of laws on the books will only serve to cut costs. We should decrease, not increase the number of laws governing the public.

Need More Time? Too Much Stress? Stop Drinking!

Sometimes work just seems to get out of hand and, no matter what you do, it seems like there's not enough time in the day to get done all the things you need to. I've had this experience many times.

In fact, from the middle of 2011 to the end of the year, I felt this way constantly. I was carrying a heavy schedule and also had serious stress from dealing with partners and investors. Sometimes it seemed that I had no one to talk to.


I was doing my best to go out and make sales for my new company and, due to the nature of the business, that meant going out at night and drinking with clients and potential customers. That's really where the problem begins; I like to drink. Sometimes I like it too much.


In Japan, it is very common for business deals to be worked out, not at the office, but at a drinking establishment. I've concluded hundreds of deals this way.

I've concluded so many deals the good old Japanese drinking way that I don't even remember them all.


I also don't remember, often times, how I got home after making those deals. I just woke up the next morning, in bed, with a massive hangover. That's the problem with drinking; it's hard to be a social drinker for me. I like to drink and I like the feeling I get when the alcohol "warms me up." Especially if I am at a rock concert or dealing and meeting with music industry related people.


Even so, I've gone periods when I drank every night for months. I've also gone periods when I didn't drink at all for months. Alcohol is a very powerful drug and your body will still feel the effects of it long after you've stopped drinking. I noticed that, in the times I'd go for months without a drink that if I had even one beer, I'd feel tired the next morning. Really! Even one drink at night will have a sedative effect on you the next morning when you wake up.


If I don't drink for about three or four days, the tiredness feeling starts to go away. Seriously, that's how long it takes; three or four days. If you go without a drink for about a week or two, then you will have completely flushed the alcohol out of your system and start to feel much more energetic.


So, if you are a regular drinker, try that: one day without even a taste of alcohol will make you feel better the next morning. Two weeks will make you feel much better and younger. If you go on a raw food diet and don't drink for six months, you will lose 20 kilograms (44 pounds) and feel like you are 17 years old again. I know, I've done that. (Actually doing that again is my New Year's resolution - that is starting today!!!!)

When I stopped drinking and went completely raw food for six months, I lost 17 kilograms.

This photo was two years ago.

I want to do that again. But I digress....


This is a post about creating more time in your day by abstaining from alcohol. You really can lighten your work load and create more time by doing so.


Last year, in the middle of November, I went to work and saw an old friend of mine who was the founder of a multi-million dollar company and retired a millionaire before 50-years-old. We had a nice talk and I told him that I was extremely over worked, tired and hung-over (funny that, being tired and hung over is not conducive to efficient work and time usage). I told him that I was out with a business acquaintance of ours that we've both known for years. That business acquaintance's name is Ray.

My image of Ray Hearn as a father just kidding, of course!

Ray is a world famous concert promoter. He founded Beatink in Japan. That means he does live the life of "Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll" (no drugs in Japan, of course). Ray is a wild one. Wildly successful and wildly crazy sometimes. The night before I had dinner with Ray and we started at 5:00 and by 9:00 pm we had drank a few cocktails and (I think) four bottles of wine. After that, we went back to Ray's house and watched Japanese sixties Sci-Fi Horror flicks. There we drank at least another six bottles of wine. I lost count. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 am and I told Ray that I just had to go home. Ray started yelling,


"Mike Rogers you wimp! Get back here and let's drink some more wine!" 


He was still yelling when I crawled out of the house and I am sure Ray and his girlfriend drank some more (well, actually she doesn't drink that much - Ray drank more)... Like I said, I stumbled out the door and slithered down the stairs to the street. I don't remember how I got home.... Typical.


The next day I had a hellacious hangover and four important meetings to attend to.


That brings me back to meeting and talking with my retired at 50-years-old millionaire friend in the middle of November. I told him about drinking with Ray and he laughed. He knew too well what drinking with Ray was like. I told my friend about how I was burning the candle at both ends and I asked for advice on how I could open up more time for myself. He smiled and laughed and said, 


"Stop drinking."


I protested. How can I stop drinking in Japan? A country that has a culture of sales and personal business relationships built on deals made over drinks?


My friend smiled once again. He said,


"I know another extremely wealthy president of another company who had the same problem so he went to a retired businessman he greatly respected to ask for advice. The retired businessman told him to stop drinking. The wealthy president claimed the same as you do, 'impossible to stop drinking because of the ways of business in Japan.' The retired businessman said, 'Yes. That is true. But drinkers will also understand the sufferings of other drinkers. Tell your friends that you have some sort of illness that prevents you from drinking.'"


That was like a light going off in my head. It's true. I know from experience. When I had a terrible gout attack, and had to stop drinking, none of my friends pressured me to drink: they all felt really sorry for me! Really!


Trust me. Many (most?) guys who drink who are in their fifties or later have had drink-related problems or know someone very close to them who has. We do feel sorry for you if you don't want to drink.

Being a teetotaller has had a very uncool image for years! 

The moral of the story? If you want to feel better and be more productive and wake up fresher, stop drinking. If your peers pressure you, I gave you a good excuse just now: Just say you have gout or border-line diabetes. They'll stop bothering you (or they're not your friends!) By feeling better and being more alert and alive, you will get more work done in a much faster and more efficient process. You probably can't cut down all those meetings, but you can help yourself to get a better rest and to feel younger and more energetic and clear-headed if you stop drinking for a few weeks.


Now, that's how you create more time and less stress for yourself.

Nah. I stopped that three years ago.

As for me, I'm getting ready to start working the new year in earnest from this Tuesday. It takes a lot to get myself ready and mentally prepared to go out and do my best. But I have decided to do it. I want to do it for work, for my health and to help me spend more time with my family. 


I am going to eat raw foods only for a few months and stop drinking starting today. Wish me luck? Any readers out there who wish to join me for a cup of tea?


Thanks to: my dear friends Ray Hearn and Koji Kamibayashi

Pop! Fizz! Glug! Drinking in the morning? What an Alcoholic is and What it is Not

Imagine the sound of a can of beer being popped open. Pop! Fizz! Glug! 

WHAT'S THE USE IN GETTING SOBER? 

(YOU'RE JUST GOING TO START DRINKING AGAIN)

Imagine that the first thing out of the mouth of that person holding that beer and popping it open is "Good morning to you!" Pop! Fizz! Glug!   

Imagine that this scene is happening at dawn... Perhaps 5 in the morning. Pop! Fizz! Glug!

Imagine that the person popping open that beer at 5 am is saying "Good morning" Pop! Fizz! Glug! And he's chugging it down and smiling. 

That person is me. Is that person an alcoholic?


No, there are more details you need. I have actually had this experience many times. You see, this is my dream in life. When I retire, I want to do this everyday of the year. Pop! Fizz! Glug!


Where am I in this scene? I am on a deep-sea fishing boat out in the Pacific Ocean a hundred miles from the coast. I am with my friends. We are on vacation. We left the harbor late last night and the fishing boat is just arriving, after a 10-hour journey, to the fishing spot.


It is a beautiful day. We are out in the middle of the Pacific ocean. There is no other humanity around excepting us on that boat. The boat's engines stop. The boat floats. We gear up our fishing poles and drop line waiting for fish (and drinking more beer). It is heaven. Pop! Fizz! Glug!


So, I ask again, is this person an alcoholic? Nope. Just on vacation and just fishing. It is wonderful.  

Drinking and fishing is good enough for Babe Ruth

so it's good enough for me! (Oh, but the Babe

had a serious drinking problem it seems!)

A few posts ago, I put to blog my thoughts on "What is an Addiction?" From that post, I have received many mails from people asking me what I thought about various addictions such as nicotine addiction and my take on the casual drinker.


Those were all tough questions to answer and, I suppose, like I stated in my article that since each chemical affects different people differently, then I guess it goes to reason that each person's method of abusing their body will affect those around them differently and how they (and their "amusement") are perceived.


Even if one's self-ordained medication doesn't seem to bother the partaker to the point of failing in their work and home duties, if it affects the thinking of those around, then I suppose, using my logic, it must affect their human relationships.


Once again, to recap what an addiction is for those who missed the first article, in a sentence or two from What is an addiction, consider:


Addictions are not the problem of alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or whatever. Addiction is not a problem of the substance abuse in and of itself... Addiction is a problem of human communication.

For example, drug addiction is not a problem of drugs. Drug addiction, like all addictions is a problem of human relations. This is the part about addictions that people fail to recognize for what it is. Drug addiction, like all addictions become a problem when they start to interfere with your human relations and communications with the people around you.   


So that article discusses what an addict is. This discusses (with a hopefully humorous story) what an alcoholic (or addict) is not.


So, what isn't an addict? Now there's a tough question to answer!


It's only the middle of October and Christmas and New Year's are just around the corner. With this story, I cannot answer the question as to "what is an addict"? But I sure can answer what it is not. 


I'd like to share this humorous true story with you about exactly what isn't an alcoholic but is perceived as one. 


Perhaps I can get away with this unseasonably untimely article because I saw, at Tokyo's famous and extremely fashionable Takashimaya department store, people already lined up for New Year's "Oseichi Ryori."

Lining up at the start of October for Oseichi Ryori for January 1!

Crikey! The Christmas stuff wasn't even out yet! 

But, as I often do, I digress...


Trust that if you never drank alcohol or ever took any sorts of drugs at all, and you witnessed someone doing so in the early morning or sneaking off to do so where they wouldn't be seen, you'd think they had a serious addiction problem. That's happened to me... At my wife's parent's house.


That's the story today.


But first, let me recall my very first New Year's Day in Japan. It was in 1980. I was in Japan for vacation and visiting my then, and soon to be, first wife's house. I didn't know it at the time, but my soon-to-be wife's father was the president of a construction company and they had a dormitory. Several (many, all?) of the workers lived on the first floor of their house which was that dormitory. I stayed on the second floor of their house during my entire three week stay in Japan.


I didn't know what was going on with all these people living and staying at this house (my fiancee wasn't good at explaining things) so I thought this arrangement was a bit bizarre and figured that these people were all workers and/or family members. They were all very nice people and were always friendly to me, though I didn't know exactly who they were.


One day, it became New Year's morning, at about ten am, I went downstairs to the living room (I'm sure with a hangover).


When I got downstairs there were eight or so men, who worked at my girlfriend's dad's company who were passed out on the floor - drunk. I stepped over them and wanted to go to the bathroom... There was my wonderful future mother-in-law Komako and she smiled at me. She said,


"Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu!!" (Happy New Year!) and she offered me a drink of sake.


"Wow! I love Japan! What a wonderful country!" I thought. "People drink from the morning and enjoy life. I love this place!"


That was my very first New Year's in Japan. It was a wonderful memory and I'll never forget it.


Later I would soon learn that the Japanese had strict societal "rules" about alcohol drinking. It was considered fine to drink on holidays and special occasions from the morning, but to drink during the week, during work hours, or to drink so much that one missed work, was totally forbidden (though, of course, some people are alcoholics and do that). 


Japanese people who are gainfully employed still, to this day, and to my knowledge, never drink during work hours. This, as opposed to Americans who are known to have two-martini lunches (I sure did before I came to Japan - and those at my bosses' behest!) 


That New Year's day had a profound effect on me as to so-called "responsible drinking."


Fast forward at least twenty three years later...


I was a producer of many TV and radio shows and had gone the rounds with the people who are gainfully employed in the mass media. Let me tell you, those people can drink.


I have learned a few things about working in the mass media and sales in Japan (if you are in the mass media, then you are salesman, if for nothing else, selling yourself) then you have to drink. And that means drinking a lot. Drinking  a lot nearly every night of the week. The weak drinkers and faint at heart need not apply. If you want to succeed in those businesses, in Japan, then expect to drink heavily.


Let me give you one example. Mr. Sugiyama, Taro, Mikey and me. Four of us. Start drinking at 5 pm. Finish drinking at 8 am when the bar owner kicks us out. By then we have consumed 5 pints of beer each and between us downed 6 liters of Korean liquor that is 25% alcohol. I was so drunk that I couldn't walk. 


It wasn't the first time I'd been that drunk. It wasn't the last...


I do hope, though, in my old age, that I don't do that again...   


Now, I am a responsible drinker... 


But there are still two people who think I might be an alcoholic. Those two are my wife's mom and dad. 


They don't drink alcohol.


They don't smoke cigarettes. 


They don't gamble.


They live in the country and there's nothing to do there except go for walks and, for exciting entertainment, go to the one and only department store for miles around. Woop-dee-doo!


So, it used to be, I dreaded going there because there was nothing to do. They live out in the middle of the sticks. Even going to the department store is a good 8 minute drive by car... Walking? Oh, there's a 7-11 convenience store about 8 or 9 minutes walk from their house... I'd guess it's at least 1 kilometer away (about 3/4 mile or so). 


This 7-11 convenience store would be the exact cause that my in-laws think I am an alcoholic. Here's what happened:


It was New Year's Day. My son wasn't yet born and wife and I had gone to stay at her parent's home for the holidays. I was dreading that because, like I said, they don't partake in any particular, shall I say, "escapisms." In fact, they are very serious people and quite conservative about many things. 


I love my in-laws and they are good and kind to me, but they are definitely quite the prim and proper middle aged Japanese couple: Little sense of humor; he was the former president of a large Japanese corporation and she was the head dietician for all elementary schools in all of Kanagawa prefecture. (Imagine a person who was head dietician for all elementary schools in, say, Texas and you get the idea). They both had received numerous awards from Japanese prime ministers and came from strong and upstanding families and all that.


Me? I am a lowlife American who liked to drink to excess with friends at work nearly every night and smoked cigarettes and loved to gamble.


It was New Year's morning. I prepared for it by buying two large cans of beer from the 7-11 convenience store the night before. I knew that I would be the only one drinking at that household and that I would have to control myself; that's why I only bought two cans. I figured that I could probably drink the two cans really quick, get a buzz (maybe) then go back to sleep until it was time to go to the shrine and then food!


I sat at the dining table. It was about 10 am. I opened a beer. "Good morning to you!" I said to my mother-in-law. Pop! Fizz! Glug! She sat down by me looking very worried,


"Is it OK that you drink so early in the morning?" she asked.


I replied, "Oh, sure! You kidding? My friends and I drink much more than this!" I think I shouldn't have said that. My mother-in-law looked on with a worried face as I drank the next can of beer immediately. Pop! Fizz! Glug!  


Later on, my wife got mad at me and told me not to drink in front of her parents. She told me that they think I have a drinking problem.


"What!?" I said, "I only had two cans of beer!" 


"I don't care!" My wife said. "My parents don't drink at all, so if you are going to drink, go do it somewhere else!"


"Nonsense!" I thought. 


Later that day, I decided that I wanted to drink and smoke. Couldn't do it there at the in-laws house so I told them that I was going to "take a walk." I did. I grabbed some money from my wife and headed down to the 7-11. 


The 7-11 is a good walk down a fairly steep mountainside... The coming back up hill would suck, but I still wanted the booze... And there's not much to stop a man who is bored out of his mind, in the country with nothing to do, at a house where people do not drink or gamble or smoke, so I took the walk.


It was a brisk afternoon. I entered the 7-11 like a kid in a candy store. "Oh boy! Booze!" I grabbed a few large cans of beer and some cigarettes, paid for them, and walked out of the store...


When I walked out, I looked for somewhere to sit. Somewhere that I could leisurely relax and enjoy the sun and my cigarettes and beer. There wasn't any place good, so I popped open the beer and lit a cigarette in the parking lot.


"Wow! Drinking in a parking lot!" I thought. "Just like when I was a university student." It felt good!


I took another large swig of the beer and then walked over to the street corner to look around at Stickville. Nothing! Nothing to the left of me, nothing to the right of me excepting rice fields as far as you could see and closed shops and houses.


"Shit!" I thought. I took some more puffs and downed the beer. I put the empty can back into the vinyl bag and opened another. Pop! Fizz! Glug! 


Then it happened.


Just as I was standing on the street corner downing the second beer, they came. Right in front of me. My mother and father-in-law drove by in the car and they were looking right at me! They were shocked and had their mouths gaping wide open. I could read their minds. They were thinking,


"Oh, my god! Definitely Mike does have a drinking problem! He is sick! Our daughter married an alcoholic! What shall we do? He's standing on a street corner drinking like some homeless person! Oh, the shame!" 


They drove by gaping at me. I saw them too and probably looked like a deer caught in the car's headlights. I quickly tried to put the beer behind my back as they drove past. I tried to look nonchalant and smiled as I waved with my other hand that was holding the vinyl bag with the empty beer can. It was probably obvious that there was an empty in the vinyl bag from the way it looked.


Eyes wide open and staring at me. Their mouths gaped open like baby chicks waiting for their mother to feed them. They turned the corner and drove down the street in the opposite direction.


"Shit!" I thought. Pop! Fizz! Glug!  


Later on, when I returned home, my wife told me that her parents didn't want me out drinking in public because they didn't want the neighbors to see me and know that their daughter had married an alcoholic foreigner. They said that if I insisted upon drinking, that I should do it at their house where no one would see me. My mother told my wife that she thought I might need to seek professional help.


No thank you. I know how to drink. I don't need a professional teaching me how to do that.


That's been at least 7 years ago. In spite of what you think, I am not an alcoholic. I deny that completely.


Why can I deny that? Because we go to my wife's parent's house several times a year. I have come to enjoy going there now. I control myself and don't drink when we go there


Why? Well, when I go there,

I don't drink alcohol.

I don't smoke cigarettes. 

I don't gamble.

In fact, whenever I go to my in-laws house, I usually go three or four days in a row without any of the above (I take lots of naps). It's kind of like doing a body cleansing. I do feel much better whenever I return from visiting the in-laws house.

It's when I get home that the process repeats. 


Pop! Fizz! Glug!