Christmas, Commercialism, Children - How I handle it.

I got a nice message from a good friend yesterday. It seems that he (and lots of thinking people today) have gotten so fed up with the crass commercialism of Christmas and the holiday seasons. Christmas is given lip service about being about the birth of Christ and sharing and loving; but it's actually about buying crap at sales nowadays.

Christmas today is given the same sort of lip service that "Freedom" is given in America today: "Freedom this or that, blah, blah." But the real story is police brutality 24/7, riots, mass media sensationalism selling fear, and killing, maiming and making into orphans dark skinned kids in Middle Eastern nations round the clock for these last few decades.

But I digress... This article isn't about the failings of modern society; it's about how I think Christmas could be handled for a young family with a small child.

My friend writes:

Hey, how do you handle material holidays with your boy? I'm all into Christmas as a family event but hate this hyper consumerism. Been thinking how I'm going to handle this. Some toys, but family time for introspective and charity work to help others? Like the thing that really tugs at my heart string is ORPHANS. That shit really gets me. I was reading an article about these poor little babies with no bonding, etc. Something like that. 

I answered:

Ah? Well, Christmas for small children (up until about 8 years old) is a magical thing, I think. If you have no TV, you won't see the consumerism stuff at all very much. We don't. 

Friend:

Lol! So we are back to the burn the TV! Btw, I got that TV addiction book you recommended (The Plug in Drug) - Frightening! I also did some other research. I'm minimizing all of this with my kid been explaining this to the wife -- not that she watches much, but kids are so susceptible.

I added: 

After 8-years-old or so, boys start getting to where they are not interested in toys anymore.... That's when you can begin to scale stuff back. This year, my son's birthday present? Robert Stinnet's - Day of Deceit. This year's Christmas present? He gets to go on a school trip to Hiroshima with his class mates (Hey! That's not cheap! It cost me a couple hundred bucks!)

A family tradition at my home, family gets together and puts up the tree together (OK. OK... Dad is a bit lazy and mostly watches...)

Of course we have a tree... A few gifts under it... But the big deal at Chrstmas now, he's 11, is putting the tree and decorations up with mom and dad and having family over for turkey. That's about it. The days of 20+ presents under the tree for the boy ended a few years ago when he was no longer interested in train sets and model cars.... Actually, at our home, we don't really do the gift thing anyway (like I said, did for the boy when he was little) but now, if you see something someone would like or need, we buy it then - doesn't matter the time of year. 

The big deal of the holidays is friends and family come over and we feast.... Kids do not expect junk anymore... Even the 11 year old... I ask him what he wants and he says, "Nothing, really." This will happen to your boy, I'm sure. But, I think, (for your wife too and photos and memories) definitely have great Christmases for your child's 1st Christmas to about his 7th or 8th, when he won't believe in Santa Claus anymore.... 

Of course, now my son has a iPad and a MacBook Pro, but and he does play games with friends (20 minutes a day maximum)... But I also got him into programming so he made his first computer game the other day at computer class at school.

I just asked my son if he remembers the time he had 28 presents under the tree (volume matters to a little kid)... He remembers that one well, he says. He was 5 at the time.

Friend:

I get it! I love the trips idea.... Get him experiences. 

Have you had to deal with him and video games? 

Me:

We have no TV so it seems to me that he isn't interested in that sort of thing like his fanatical friends. 

Friend:

Great advice. For me as a kid, I loved the family gathering at my grandmas and also "Santa" who would appear and make the rounds. That was when I believed but still a blast when I didn't btw, do you do Thanksgiving dinners? 

Me: 

Yes. Tomorrow we will have "Thanksgiving." Late December we will have a turkey. Tomorrow I will roast a 2.5 kilogram free range chicken (kind of expensive as chickens go).... Kids come over. Eat. Spend time together. That's it. It think this sort of family tradition is healthy for the kids.... When I was a kid, we were kind of poor... So I loved Thanksgiving the best.

Thanksgiving was best because there were no presents... I got real fed up with the Christmas commercialism by the time I was 17. Thanksgiving is the one holiday that I have actually always enjoyed: Just get together, eat and talk. No presents. Just enjoy the day... It's not good, though, when dad and uncle or big brother start fighting during the dumb football game during the day. That ruins it for everyone... 

Until they make up later in the week and then do it all over again next year!

Well, then the conversation went off in another direction. I guess the basic point is that, in spite of the commercialism, Christmas can be a magical time for a young family and their small children. I think it is good to build family traditions and create memories for mom and child. I also think that we need to mellow out our political rantings this season and allow them to have a quiet and peaceful time together making memories of the short time they have together as mom and infant/small child. (If you don't, mom may get a bit resentful later on.)

Just remember what we are here for and what this season is actually really for. Also remember that, if you handle it well, then ten ~ twenty ~ thirty years from now when you think, "Those were the good old days!" You'll be thinking about now.

Have a good holiday season.

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Thanks to James Santagata

Three Generations to Greatness

"It's one generation from a pickaxe to a putter. And the next generation from a tuxedo to a tramp." - Will Rogers

A while back, I wrote a blog post about motivating children and that reminded me of what is considered the ways to greatness for classical pianists. It is called, Three Generations to Greatness. It is what the classical music world considers the minimum for a pianist to be in order to become truly great. Basically; it takes three generations of family effort and diligence to create one piano child prodigy. 

I thought that this story might be useful to those of us who sometimes wonder why they are on this earth and what their purpose is.

I say this because, I, too, sometimes wonder what the legacy is that I will leave on this planet after I die. I have begun to have these thoughts because of the recent death of my own father. Of course, I loved my mother and father and miss them so... But what was their legacy?

Take my father for example, his legacy is much different than my mother's because things changed greatly for our family after my mom's death. Our family fell apart. What does that make my dad's legacy?

A former marine. Three sons who do not speak to each other. Some very old photos of his mom and family and a marine dress uniform that he left to me to care for as he said he wasn't sure that my brothers would do so properly.

Is that all? I'm sure that's all. Unfortunately. And, when you stop to think about it, in the overall picture of things, that's just about all for 99.99999999999% of all the world's people.

In 2003, I started writing for blogs. In 2005, I wrote my first and only book. Why did I write these books? Well, I wanted to leave a legacy... Something to be remembered by. I want to write another book soon too. Oh, and I want to do oil painting again...

Alas...

I look at the old and tattered photos that my father gave me of his dear mother. Is this her legacy?

The other day, I went to meet a friend named Kieruto Duits who runs a business called "Old Photos of Japan." There Kieruto takes old photos of the people and places of old Japan and lovingly immortalizes them for future use. This seems a wonderful way to leave a legacy. Guys like Kieruto, I know, will take care of my old photos of my mother taken before the war. I am going to give mine to him. I am also going to give him some important family photos of Japanese soldiers before WWII.

But I digress...

Most of us haven't an very old photos or we haven't written a book (my book is terrible and a waste!) neither do most of us paint like Picasso or sing like the Beatles nor compose like Mozart....

But! Aha! There is a key there! Mozart! Music!... Maybe our legacy is not in and of ourselves, perhaps our legacy is in our children! The title of this post is "Three Generations to Greatness." It is true. "Three Generations to Greatness" is what is said it takes, in the world of classical music, for a child to become a great pianist.

Let me explain how, what you do today, can lead to greatness someday using the example of "Three Generations to Greatness." First off, more detail as to what exactly is the three generations.

Here's the story: It is said that it requires three generations of effort and parenting to build a piano genius. The typical story goes like this:

Grandfather works hard as a day laborer. He struggles and saves. He builds a good business. He doesn't want his children to struggle and suffer as he did. He wants them to become doctors or lawyers. He wants them to study culture and art. He makes the children take piano lessons. He works hard and sends them to good universities. 

The children never become good pianists. Why? Because, after lessons, when they are home, there is no one to play and practice with. After all, we all know that you become proficient or great when you practice and hone your craft with someone who knows that craft.

Later, the children grow up. They become doctors or lawyers. They want their children to have the same or better. They want their children (the grandchildren) to study culture and art. They make the children take piano lessons. They work hard to send their children to good universities. 

Same as grandfather, right? Wrong. Now, these grandchildren, when they come home from piano practice (once a week for one hour) they have someone who knows how to play and practice. They have someone at home whom they can enjoy the piano with.

If that someone is their mother and she is working at home, then these children have a massive head-start on others who have no one to practice or play with.

This is why, say traditional musicians, such as American country or Jazz musicians, are thought to be so great: They start practicing with grandpa when they were little kids. That's why they are so proficient and such awesome musicians when they are 25-years-old! 

The moral of the story? Even though what you do now may not seem, at first, to be any sort of creation of a legacy, remember that what you teach your children, they will teach theirs. 

Treat your children with respect. Learn what motivates them. Help them flourish and bloom. Create your legacy.

A Message for Fathers: Most Men Die With Regrets

... They die that way because they became fathers and then, one day, they realize that they missed out on their child's childhood. My 80-year-old father mentioned this to me before he died this year.

What a waste.


Most men don't realize this until they are in their late 50s through 80s - until they die.


I am one of the lucky few. I realized it when I was in my mid thirties. The reason why I was lucky enough to realize it is because most dads get married and then they have two or three children within a few years. They also consistently repeat the same mistakes with the second and third child that they made with the first child. Then they don't get a second chance. They raise the children together, of course. Not me, my kids are 20 years apart in age.


I have four children. Julie (27) and Sheena (22) were born to my first wife. That wife and I divorced after seven years of marriage and I raised those two girls by myself. I remarried three years later and Wendy was born. When Wendy (17) got sick as a baby and then recovered from cancer, she wasn't able to live with her sisters for at least 6 years due to chemo-therapy treatments so her mother and I divorced and Wendy went away to live with her mother. 


I remarried again for the third time and Wray (8) was born.


Julie and Sheena often had trouble at school and sometimes with the police when they were teenagers. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with them, but with trying to pay to raise them, I didn't have the time I needed. I hired several nannies and they raised them. One nanny was the main one, but she wasn't full-time. I will always regret that I missed their childhood and didn't spend the time with them that I should have.


So, one day, my second wife, a wonderful woman, married me and my two daughters and Wendy was born.


When Wendy got cancer, I was devastated. One day she was fine. The next day she couldn't walk. A few days later she was in the hospital for the next 2 years. Then, when she was released she had to move away to save her life. I will always regret that I missed her childhood and didn't spend the time with her that I could have.


But, like I said, I am lucky. God gave me more chances (so, perhaps there is a silver lining to divorce). I don't want to miss Wray's childhood. When he was born, I often took care of him. I spent time with him and took him for walks everyday for the first two years in his baby carriage. Then, from age 1 1/2 until 7, I went to bed with him every night at 8 pm and we read books together before going to sleep. I make his breakfast at least 320 days a year and eat dinner with him at least 3 or 4 nights a week. I still do.


I always try to come home before 5:30 pm.


I want to live with Wray with no regrets. God gave me another chance I won't waste it. I cannot get back the time with my other children but I can make sure that I don't repeat my mistakes. I will always regret about my first three daughters, but I am trying not to regret with Wray.


You fathers please listen to me. Take my advice. 


Yesterday, Sunday afternoon, the piano school Wray goes to had a Christmas piano concert. I looked at the crowd in attendance. I estimated that there were 27 moms and about 5 grandmas there. The dads? A pretty poor showing. Seemed like 7 fathers and 4 grandfathers. With 27 moms, there should have been 27 dads but there were only 7. Where were the others? What is so important that they miss their child's performance?

The children all performed their hearts out and smiled brightly when their performances ended. Even when it wasn't my son playing, I cried at some of the performances.


Here were these innocent, pure and bright young children playing their hearts out for their moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas. Oh what a joyous occasion it was.


What an even more joyous occasion it could have been had those other 20 fathers bothered to attend. I wonder if any of those fathers were you, dear reader? Or were they you at a different time at a different occasion?


Where were those fathers? Were they Golfing? At home sleeping? Working? Like I said, ultimately what is more important to all of us than our children?


Think about it my friends, what do we work for? Why do we chase the all mighty dollar?


We do it to give our families a place to live and a roof over their heads and food and a happy family.


Think about that last part, "... a happy family." Is a family truly happy when the father is not around? Take, for example this Christmas concert. How many Christmas concerts will your 8-year-old son or daughter perform at? Well, when you stop to think about it, kids are only eight once and Christmas comes only once a year.... That means once.


How often can you go golfing or work or sleep on the couch?


I hope that you, in the New Year, will think about what I am saying. Like I wrote, very few people have the luck to have raised children that are 20 years apart in age. I do. Listen to what I say. 


Share time now with your children because now isn't coming back ever again. Give your child a hug and spend time with them while you can. 

The future is coming sooner than you can imagine. Don't kid yourself. No matter how much time you spend with your children, one day, you'll wish you had spent more. Do it now.