Guys Don't Play With Dolls, Figurines, Gi-Joe or $1250 Punk Barbies

(A blast from the past...)

Playing with dolls is for little girls. Collecting ridiculously expensive dolls is for collectors (preferably rich women or antique dealers). My ex-wife collected porcelain Barbie dolls and some of those were way over $1000 a piece. I'm sure she still has many of them. 

Being a guy, I'm not really into dolls. Funny that. Even when I was a kid I didn't much care for dolls. I remember in the mid-sixties when the first GI-Joe dolls came out, my parents bought me one. I think I liked it when I first saw it. But when I opened the box, I thought, 

"Gee, mom, dad, what am I supposed to do with it?" I didn't really think dressing and undressing a male doll in uniform was all that fun. 

I think I set the GI-Joe on fire in a realistic reenactment of the Battle of the Bulge... I often set my toys on fire when I was a kid.

In the last 20 years or so, playing with dolls has come back into fashion for some guys. Though they won't call them dolls. They are called "figurines." Call them what you want, they are still dolls.

One time, I went to a friends house and in his room, he had all sorts of these figurines lined up at the head of his bedroom wall. They were things like Star Wars' Darth Vader, R2D2, Luke Skywalker, Star Troopers, etc. You get the picture.

He said to me, "Mike! Do you like my figurines? Aren't they cool?" 

I ribbed him back when I said, "Yeah. Real cool. I think I stopped playing with dolls when I was 6 years old."

"They are not dolls! They are figurines!" He protested.

"Yeah. Whatever..."  

That reminds of my second daughter, Sheena. When Sheena was about 6 or 7, Ren & Stimpy was on TV. I loved that cartoon. On Ren & Stimpy, they had a fake commercial for a toy called, "Log." Log was just as the name said it was; it was a piece of wood. Since I watched Ren & Stimpy religiously, my kids watched it too.

Never underestimate the power of TV on a child's mind. That's why it is so bad and dangerous.

WATCH THIS FAKE COMMERCIAL FOR LOG FROM 

THE CARTOON REN & STIMPY

One time, after the commercial for Log came on, my daughter said, "Daddy! I want one!" I was so surprised. "Are you kidding me?" I thought. I decided then, that I should use that opportunity to teach her a lesson about life and about BS on TV.

Soon after it was her birthday so I went to Tokyu Hands Department store and bought a piece of wood that looked like Log, wrapped it up and gave it to her for her birthday. She was so happy to get it. After opening the package, she said to me with wide eyes full of bewilderment, "Daddy? How do you play with it?" I sang the song:

What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs, and over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack, And fits on your back? It's log, log, log It's log, it's log, It's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good." Everyone wants a log You're gonna love it, log Come on and get your log Everyone needs a log log log log *whistle* LOG FROM BLAMMO

I think she was so disappointed. Of course, I had also predicted that she would be so I had bought her some other presents that I can't remember.... Funny that... I'm sure that neither can she... But I bet we both remember Log. 

Now there's a new doll in town that's making noise. Well, she's not new. She's old. It's Barbie. But this time, she has tattoos and is, er, well, ostensibly "Punk." Yeah. "Punk" as in "Punk Barbie." How could Barbie be punk, you ask? Well, easy. Just imagine if Paris Hilton decided that she'd go punk for the evening and there you have it... Punk Barbie is about as punk as Lady Gaga or Boy George...

My one word review: "No!"

Punk Barbie is causing a fuss amongst parents who actually think their little snowflake will run out and get a tattoo just because their Barbie doll has them... 

In an article from the New York Daily News some candidates for Parent of the Year were appalled and quoted as saying,

"I'd kill my daughter if she came home with a tattoo," said Tom Gurry, 43, of Rego Park, Queens, who has an 11-year-old.

"Barbie's supposed to be a role model for young girls, right? I don't want my daughter looking up to someone like that."

Another contestant parent said,

"I don't think that's an appropriate toy for a young girl," she said. "You don't want your kids to think tattoos are a good idea at such a young age because they last a lifetime."

Tiffany Newkirk, 51, said her 17-year-old daughter has been pestering her for permission to get tattooed.

Gee... I'd hope that, at 17, Barbie wouldn't be such a great influence on your dumb kids... Hopefully they can get good influences from wholesome things like MTV, American Idol, and their dimwit parents....Can you imagine your five-year-old with an awesome spiderweb on her neck, dragons on her arms, and three nose rings? Kewl!

These same parents who are complaining about Punk Barbie are the types who will complain later on, when their daughter is 16, drops out of school, and really does get tattoos an her neck and face that "...it was all Barbie's fault!" Yeah. Your kids being all f**ked up couldn't possibly be the result of being spoiled to death by idiot parents.   

But why listen to me? Let's hear what a real punk says. What about it Ryan Cooper at About.com Punk Music? Ryan says:

I think it stands to reason that if the Barbie you gave your daughter is the biggest influence on her life, you might need to look more closely at who the parent is. Barbie may be the president, and an astronaut, and a doctor, and a race car driver, but the last time I checked, she's not a mother.

So if she's the primary influence on your daughter's sense of ideals and fashion, you might want to kick her out of her dream house and on to the curb.

Or you could just leave Barbie alone.

And you be the parent instead.

Punk Barbie sold for $50 at retail, but they are all sold out (Go figure!) Now, according to Ryan, they are selling on E-Bay for $100.

So, Ryan, you think that's bad? Hell, in Japan, Punk Barbie is selling for over $1,250.00! (USD!)

¥98,000 Japanese yen is $1252.56 

Hopefully my kids won't have their lifestyles and fashions influenced by Barbie... But then, again, if they can afford more than $1,250 for a Godd*mn doll, then I guess they are adult enough to know what they want to do...

I won't make any comments about whether Ken likes boys more than girls, let's just say that Ken is not the "marrying type" (or, shall, I say that he probably won't be getting married at a Catholic church anytime soon.)

So, I won't say anything, unless, of course, my daughters bring Ken home one day and say they want to get married to him. That's when daddy puts his foot down!

You know why? Guys don't play with dolls.