Non-Alcohol Beer and Other Crimes Against Humanity
There's some things in life that just ain't right. That includes an unfaithful woman, losing your wallet; a dog that won't bark or a pickup truck that won't start on a cold Texas morning when you're late for rustlin' cattle...
Or how about the girl that broke your heart at the big high school dance reunion?
Sure. We've all had one of those.
Heck, a few of us have had more than our fair share.
I know I have.
But there's one thing that is even worse than all those bad things put together and that's non-alcohol beer. Drinking Non-alcohol beer is like smoking low nicotine cigarettes: I mean, what's the point?
One of the main culprits in Japan
Like my good friend Taro Furukawa, who still smokes 17 mg. high tar and nicotine cigarettes, once said to a friend who was smoking those new-fangled low nicotine 1 mg. filtered light cigarettes, "What's this? You either smoke or you don't smoke! One mg. cigarettes are for kids!"
He's right. When I smoked, I smoked 14 mg. sticks. Those had a kick. One mg.?! Why bother?
Even the can looks unappetizing!
What kind of sick and twisted mind could conceive of such a thing?
It's also getting out of hand. You know that things are upside down in this bizarre world we live in when even your doctor recommends that you cut down on alcohol by drinking non-alcohol beer. My doctor did just that the other day! He told me to drink non-alcohol beer.
I told him that I drink non-alcohol water. Why? It doesn't have any alcohol either and doesn't cost $1.50 a can!
WTF? I think it's time to find a new doctor! Whatever happened to to old west type of doctors that we used to see in the cowboy movies? You know, the type that drank whiskey and was drunk all the time. Now that's my kind of doctor!
Riiiiiiight! Dark alcohol free beer? You gotta be kidding me!
If there wasn't proof of the existence of Satan, then I'd ask that you consider the existence of non-alcohol beer as incontrovertible evidence that the prince of evil must be working on some idle minds out there.
See? This non-alcohol beer business has to be an accident!
I guess it all started with Decaffinated coffee. A handy internet search tells me that:
"The decaffeination process was developed by Dr. Ludwig Roselius of Bremen, Germany. The process requires either water processing or chemical solvents like ethyl acetate and benzene to remove caffeine."
So some crazed German mad man scientist out to destroy civilization actually developed the process to make decaffeinated coffee on purpose!? And he put benzene in the coffee????
I think this benzene stuff is poisonous, isn't it? Let's see what Wikipedia says about Benzene:
"Benzene is a natural constituent of crude oil, and is one of the most basic petrochemicals. Benzene is a colorless and highly flammable liquid with a sweet smell. It is mainly used as a precursor to heavy chemicals, such as ethylbenzene and cumene, which are produced on a billion kilogram scale. Because it has a high octane number, it is an important component of gasoline, comprising a few percent of its mass. Most non-industrial applications have been limited by benzene's carcinogenicity."
"Crude oil"? "Important component of gasoline"? "Benzene's carcinogenicity"???
OK... So what's the downside to the argument?
Get my point? This decaf nonsense and its bastard three headed love child, non-alcohol beer, need to be eradicated with utmost prejudice....
But no. It is not to happen....
Today, at the store, I saw the next generation in the decline of western civilization. No, you can't make this stuff up...
Today at the store, I saw, for the first time in my life... are you ready for it?...
Non-alcohol canned Chu-hi!!!!??? Yeech!
Jesus! That takes the cake! What a disgraceful and disgusting idea... Someone kill me, will ya?
I wouldn't be caught dead holding one of these...
What's next? Alcohol free whiskey shots?
Thanks to Ken Nishikawa for pointing this atrocity out to me at the super yesterday!