Monday, June 18, 2012

Fukushima! Super Typhoons! The Destruction of the Entire Northern Hemisphere!... And the Most Deadly Subways in Tokyo!

Oh God! Monster Typhoons! Nuclear fuel rod pools that are about to fall over and destroy the entire Western civilization! The greatest short-term threat to world civilization! (Wait a minute, you guys just said the radiation had a half-life of 30,000 years! I don't know about you, but I don't think 30,000 years is very "short term.") 

What's a citizen to do? It's the end of the world!

Tokyo subway. (Use this photo freely as you wish!)

You are going to die!!! Well, yes. You are going to die. But before you do, we in the mass media are going to do our best to make you miserable with worry before you do.

Since March 11 of last year and the Fukushima disaster, Japan has had nothing but "Super Typhoons" that all were going to go directly over Fukushima and probably destroy the entire northern hemisphere of the world! ENENEWS (a site that survives on sensationalist headlines) reports in: 150 mph Super Typhoon Sets Aim at Japan: Fukushima near center of forecast track — “Expected to intensify” and already the highest category storm.

And, as usual with ENENEWS, the headlines have zero to do with the story. Let me quote word for word:

Guchol, a tropical cyclone in the western Pacific, rapidly strengthened Saturday afternoon, local time. Winds are now in excess of 150 mph, making Guchol a super typhoon, the highest classification for tropical cyclones in the western Pacific.

If Guchol were an Atlantic Hurricane, it would be considered a Category 5 storm.
the storm is also expected to intensify further over the next day or two.
Guchol will still likely be a very powerful tropical cyclone upon reaching the Ryukyu Islands of Japan. Powerful winds, torrential rain and intense surf will be among some of the problems expected for the islands.
In fact, the main threat the storm poses to the main island of Japan will be its torrential rains. Heavy rain could lead to mudslides and flash flooding, especially in the mountains just west of Tokyo.

You see anything about Fukushima there? No? Me neither.

But we all know that doesn't matter. What DOES matter is sensationalist headlines that scare stupid people and sell advertising.

And what does matter is not super typhoons (we have those all the time nowadays - every typhoon is now called a "Super Typhoon")... It's not spent fuel pools (they didn't collapse in a 1 in 1000 year 9.0 quake; a 6.0 quake - that is 1/3000th the power of a 9.0 quake - isn't going to knock them down)... What is going to kill you is the dangerous Tokyo subway system and the "People-eating danger traps" that they are (cue ominous music here).

Oh, fear for your lives people! Never forget that the next time you ride a Tokyo subway, it could be your last! 

Josei Jishin, the oldest and most popular women's magazine in Japan has the scoop in "The Top 50 Most Dangerous Subway Stations in Tokyo."

The most dangerous subway stations in Tokyo! It's kind of like old East Germany and West Germany... I mean, how it sizes up for Tokyo subway stations; the stations on the "old" east side of Tokyo are death traps! The higher the score (#1 Sumiyoshi) has a score of 61.6.... What does that mean? Hell, if I know... But 61.6 spells, "Death trap!" "Game Over!" "Dead as a Doorknob!" "Fin!" "Owari!"

Notice that all the death boxes are on the East end. 
I circled Shibuya for your reference....

Be afraid. Be very afraid!

The top ten death traps subway stations in Tokyo are:

#1  Sumiyoshi on the Hanzomon Line
#2  Morishita on the Oedo Line (What!? They just built that train line!)
#3  Suitengumae on the Hanzomon Line (Going to Narita to fly in a jet plane? Ha! Hope you actually make it to the airport!
#4  Kinshicho on the Hanzomon Line
#4  Oshiage on the Hanzomon Line
#4  Kiyosumi Shirakawa on the Hanzomon Line 
#7  Hamacho Station on the Toei Shinjuku Line 
#8  Tsukiji Ichiba on the Oedo Line 
#8  Nishi Oshima on the Shinjuku Line
#10 Higashi Ginza on the Hibiya Line (actually, I'm surprised that there's not more stations on the Hibiya Line here on this list. They all seem like death traps to me!)
#10 Morishita on the Shinjuku Line (Your chances of dying at Morishita station are double!)

Here's the next 11 ~ 50.... Look, I'm not going to translate this for you. If you live in Japan long enough to care about this nonsense and you can't even read your own station's name in Kanji, then you deserve to die!

Trust, citizen, that you are going to die someday! It is a proven medical fact that every single person who has - and ever will - ride a Tokyo subway has died or will die! Sometimes, and some rare cases, those are a painful and incredibly excruciatingly painful death!

Could that be you? I think it might!

Be afraid. Be very afraid!

Sure, you are going to die, citizen.... 

But before that, we are going to make damned sure that you worry to death... 

Please make sure you tune in next week (or buy next week's issue for more "dangerous man-eating subways!")

-Thanks to Ken Nishikawa


Ed said...

Three things are certain in life: Death, taxes and nurses

Jimbo said...

I'll take my chances on the Tokyo subway over driving any day of the week! Plus, you can take shelter from the Super Typhoons! Win-win

Boo said...

The real death scandal is that Mike reads Joseijishin.