I have a Linkedin page. I like Linkedin. It's OK, I guess.... Well, sort of. Well, come to think of it. No, I don't. I don't like Linkedin... But read on, this post is about how to earn six-figures from your Linkedin page...
My (former) Linkedin bio photo
Do you know what Linkedin is? Linkedin is a great place where you can connect with people you don't know or care about and brag about stuff that doesn't really matter. It's kind of like going to a high school reunion where everyone who thought they were hot stuff in school tries to impress everyone else that they are still hot stuff even though they now work part-time as a plumber or are on food stamps!
Heck, nothing wrong with food stamps! Join the crowd! I just got my Obamacard today so I get food stamps too! Hey Linkedin, where do we enter that sort of information on our biographies?
Once again, Mr. Obama has his figures all wrong... It's nearly 46 million strong on food stamps!
I use my Linkedin page as a deadly-serious sandbox and playground for my twisted humor. I put some serious stuff but mostly all sorts of funny comments and that silly photo on my Linkedin bio. One of my friends saw it and said,
"Mike! You'll never get headhunted with that photo you have with that stupid brown wig on!"
I was offended. I thought I looked impishly handsome. I replied,
"Really? So you think I should have worn the purple wig or the metallic blue one or my platinum blond wig instead?"
See? I really do have all a platinum blond wig and a blue and purple one too!
Maybe the wig is why I have never had anyone call me even once for a job interview after seeing my Linkedin bio!
Speaking of that, I been wondering exactly what the purpose of Linkedin is anyway? I mean, if it is a site to look for a job then that's cool, but what's the point of posting your bio on Linkedin if the only other people who are going to see it are also out of a job and looking for one too?
Isn't that a contradiction? It's so confusing.
The best thing about Linkedin is that Linkedin shares are down from IPO almost as much as Groupon shares are! Come on Linkedin! You can do it!
If Linkedin would clarify why we're here, kind of like
Facebook does, that would clear a lot of confusion.
Is Linkedin merely a place for unemployed men to be bragging to other unemployed men? Not hardly.
The truth is that Linkedin was designed for the gainfully employed to show their old high school girlfriend (who savagely dumped them just before the big year-end dance) that she made a mistake that she'll always regret because you - and only you - were the one who really loved her most (that b*tch!) When you understand that, then Linkedin makes sense.
That's why you rarely see girls on Linkedin. They don't go there because they can't really figure out what the point is either (remember they were the ones doing the dumping). Did you know that, by my latest calculations that guys on Linkedin outnumber women by over 25 to 1!!!
Women can turn it on and off like a faucet... Guys can't. Because so many guys are pissed at old girlfriends that explains why guys who aren't looking for jobs put up braggadocio and their profiles and bio on Linkedin. They do it to show the world (and that b*tch) that they screwed up big time messing with number 1!!!*
I think Linkedin should have a "reality recommendations" part and, instead of just positive recommendations, it should also have a "condemnations" and "personal attacks" place where real comments about your shady character can be added. Stuff that can't be blocked by the page owner. Real opinions on your work quality and ethics (or lack thereof) like these from your former employers:
"So and so worked here for six months and things went fine until we began to notice huge amounts of toilet paper missing from the restrooms and forks, knives and spoons missing from the employee cafeteria." - Manager
Or, remember your very first job? Working at your dad's company?
"So and so was a totally worthless pile of crap employee. He was the worst putrefying heap of overblown bovine excrement imaginable. All his life he's been useless. Totally night and day difference between him and his extremely successful older brother." - Your father
Now that's what we need! Ask any marketing expert and he'll agree with me! What we need is more truth in advertising!
Oh? What? Oh yeah...How to make six figures from your Linkedin account? That's right. I almost forgot! Anyone out there know? Because, hell, I haven't a clue... I can't even get anyone to call me for a job interview!
*Don't look now, dude, but she actually married a guy who makes more in a month than you make in a year! He's so rich he ain't even on Linkedin!
Inspired by Jonathan Clemons and Roger Marshall
Thanks for the silly images. Check out my new favorite blog site: The People's Cube. It's kind of like the Onion for Socialists... Pretty funny satire... Especially if you are twisted enough to put a funny photo of yourself on Linkedin.