Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Linkedin MUST Be Hurtin' Fer Certain! They Say I'm in "Top 1%!"

Seriously... Today I got an email from Linkedin that said I was one of the Top 1% of all profiles viewed on all of Linkedin (200 million users) for 2012. They also have said that I have an "All-Star profile"... Really? 

I think that if my profile has been viewed in the top 1% that's pretty lame! (I mean for Linkedin; maybe cool for me!)

200 million members? Top 1%? That is cool, I suppose. But in my twisted mind, it reminds me of the trivial fact about alcohol hand-sprays. You know, the ones that you see at hospitals and doctors office entranceways that ask you to spray your hands before entering in order to kill bateria and any other nasties on your hands?

Well did you know that those sprays only kill 99% of all bacteria? Yep. That leaves 1% alive.

And did you know that in one sneeze, there are about 200 million bacteria? Yep. So, if the spray kills 99% and there are 200,000,000 then that means.. Let's see...

99% is actually .99 which means that 0.01 are stil alive. 200,000,000 divided by 0.01 leaves 2,000,000 left over.... So, if you spray your hands with this alcohol spray, then there could be 2 million little bacteria nasties still remaining. Delicious!

So, if there are 200,000,000 Linkedin users, and I am in the Top 1% viewed, then there are two million people just like me!!!!!

Wow! I feel so, so.... Unique.

Or maybe, most people take that Linked in too seriously. I did write once in How to Make Six Figures a Year From Your Linkedin Account - Linkedin Needs More Truth in Advertising - My Linkedin Page is a Big Joke 

Do you know what Linkedin is? Linkedin is a great place where you can connect with people you don't know or care about and brag about stuff that doesn't really matter. It's kind of like going to a high school reunion where everyone who thought they were hot stuff in school tries to impress everyone else that they are still hot stuff even though they now work part-time as a plumber or are on food stamps!

Heck, nothing wrong with food stamps! Join the crowd! I just got my Obamacard today so I get food stamps too! Hey Linkedin, where do we enter that sort of information on our biographies?

........ Maybe the wig is why I have never had anyone call me even once for a job interview after seeing my Linkedin bio!

Speaking of that, I been wondering exactly what the purpose of Linkedin is anyway? I mean, if it is a site to look for a job then that's cool, but what's the point of posting your bio on Linkedin if the only other people who are going to see it are also out of a job and looking for one too? 

Isn't that a contradiction? It's so confusing....

...Is Linkedin merely a place for unemployed men to be bragging to other unemployed men? Not hardly.

The truth is that Linkedin was designed for the gainfully employed to show their old high school girlfriend (who savagely dumped them just before the big year-end dance) that she made a mistake that she'll always regret because you - and only you - were the one who really loved her most (that b*tch!) When you understand that, then Linkedin makes sense. 

That's why you rarely see girls on Linkedin. They don't go there because they can't really figure out what the point is either (remember they were the ones doing the dumping). Did you know that, by my latest calculations that guys on Linkedin outnumber women by over 25 to 1!!!...

...I think Linkedin should have a "reality recommendations" part and, instead of just positive recommendations, it should also have a "condemnations" and "personal attacks" place where real comments about your shady character can be added. Stuff that can't be blocked by the page owner. Real opinions on your work quality and ethics (or lack thereof) like these from your former employers:

"So and so worked here for six months and things went fine until we began to notice huge amounts of toilet paper missing from the restrooms and forks, knives and spoons missing from the employee cafeteria." - Manager

Or, remember your very first job? Working at your dad's company?

"So and so was a totally worthless pile of crap employee. He was the worst putrefying heap of overblown bovine excrement imaginable. All his life he's been useless. Totally night and day difference between him and his extremely successful older brother." - Your father

Well, that was then and this is now. Actually, I've fallen on hard times so I cleaned up my Linked in account and make it more, er, serious in order to get gainful employment.

A look at my Linkedin description of my radio work should drive that point home:

Mike Rogers was born and raised in Los Angeles, a city even more dangerous and crazy than he is. His passport lists his occupation as 'D.J./comedian' and as we all know, passports never lie. 

He has worked as a professional DJ/Professional wrestling announcer/Sushi chef all around Japan entertaining and irritating audiences in equal measure for the last 27 years.  

With his two of his only three friends, Mike wrote and starred in many of Tokyo's most popular radio programs, including Good Morning Garbage, er, I mean, Good Morning Garage (GMG) and Channel G. 

Hopefully one day GMG will be syndicated nationwide, but as things stand, it looks like that will be the same day that you can ice skate and pirouette across the fiery rivers of hell. 

Mike has also done many TV shows and can often be spotted in a romantic kissing scene at a restaurant as the customer in the background... Yes, that's him. No, not him. The other one. Yes! That's him the one on the right with the bald spot! 

Frankly speaking, in the course of his career, Mike has received no awards worth mentioning but has received many a letter of complaint from listeners and offended fans, which is clearly a lot better.  

Mike is very pleased to be coming to ply his trade in Japan, as to be honest, he had all but burnt his bridges in his own. Mike has been fired from every radio station in Tokyo at least once. But, just like a radioactive cockroach Mike keeps coming back.  

Mike also makes TV shows and other stuff that you wouldn't really care about.

Maybe I should put back the entire slate of funny stuff and slap stick comedy that I used to have on my Linkedin page (like the position of "Top Tosser in Tokyo")... Think that will get me the CEO position at a huge international bank or Airlines?


Andrew Joseph said...

Hey, grouchy old man! How are you?!
LinkedIn said I was top 5%. Consider yourself lucky!

Alex said...

Hello Mike Maybe you should move back to LA and open a Japanese radio station of your own.

Murasaki Shikibu said...

haha...I looked at your profile too, contributing to this! ;)

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